Sleep

Oh to get one good night's sleep. It seems like I wake up a little less rested each day. Since Oliver's service I have had 3 nights of restless sleep filled with dreams of babies. The dreams make no sense and I am not going to even try to write them down. I am fortunate that Violet is such an easy going child (except for the occasional "no" festival she has). At least she sleeps.

Tonight is another example of my failure to sleep. Right now it is 10:30 pm. Perhaps not too late for some but I did try to go to bed around 9. My husband is out at a movie so I thought I would have an early night. Well, as usual, I was having trouble falling asleep. Then just as I was about to fall into what I can only imagine would have been my best night's sleep ever I heard a noise. What was it? Who knows. Probably the neighbours banging around. They seem to be doing a lot of that tonight. That's not what I thought it was though. No, my very overactive imagination came up with the idea that it must be someone in the house. Of course that is silly since our doors and windows beep very loudly when opened, but it was enough to wake me up and get me out of bed. I even looked behind the shower curtains in both bathrooms. So, it looks like I will be up for a while.

I suppose since I am in update mode I should write something about the service. I have been putting off updating because I didn't know what to write. What is there to say. It was a beautiful service but I hate that we had to have it. It was ridiculous to see the little tiny hole in the ground, the little box, all the people staring at their feet. My pastors did a good job but I can't remember what they said. I remember they said our names a lot, and they prayed. There were about 25 people or so. My brother and his wife hosted lunch after and a lot of our friends brought food. It is good to have so many people supporting us but I HATE the reason for the day.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Oliver's memorial service. I am dreading it for a two reasons. One, it is going to be extremely difficult. I'm sure it will be super emotional and draining. The other reason is harder to explain. I feel like after it is over that he will really be gone. Now, I realize he is already gone but there is something so final about a funeral. Maybe part of me feels like after this is over that I will need to get back to normal. I can't really explain what I mean. Of course I do know that normal is no longer defined in the same way it was before August 7th.

Bellies

On Friday I took my daughter to the YMCA to play with other toddlers. It was fun for her to see some of her friends and run around. One thing she did was head straight for the baby that was sleeping in her car seat. She loves babies. Well, babies, dogs, cows (boos), horses (neighs), and cats (meoos). It is all very cute but I could do without the baby bit. I managed to distract her and get her back to playing.

One time a couple weeks ago she was looking at some dogs and the ladies also had babies. I had tried to keep her away but she really loves dogs. When I told the moms of her love of babies one of them said, "Maybe mommy should make you one." Wow. An innocent enough comment but she is lucky I am fairly polite. I wanted to yell at her but I knew it wasn't worth ruining her day.

Anyway, back to the toddler time. There were a couple pregnant people there and I couldn't help but to stare at their bellies. One of them had a particularly round one and I was quite jealous of it. I can't help but to contrast it with my own sad flabby belly. I think that I have actually gained weight since Oliver was born. I have been eating a lot of candy and my husband keeps buying ice cream. He is training for a marathon so he can indulge and feed his grief a little more than most. So, when I see pregnant bellies and think about how I should be 32 weeks pregnant right now I am sad that all I have is a post baby body.

Oliver's Story

We lost our son, Oliver, on August 8/08 at 27 weeks exactly. He was 2 pounds 2 ounces and 13.4 inches long.

I guess to tell the story properly I have to start a couple weeks before he was born. My whole family became sick with some sort of stomach virus. First my daughter then my husband and finally myself. It started Sunday night (the 27th of July) and lasted most of the week. I was throwing up for 2 days and then just felt crappy from then on. Monday the 28th we went to the doctor to make sure we were all ok. I also wanted to know what the risks could be for me as I was pregnant. I was told to try to get liquids and some food and that I could take some gravol if needed. So, after a couple days home on the sofa it was back to work.

Later that week (Thurs) I noticed some dark brown spotting. Not much but enough that I thought I should watch things. Nothing else until Friday night then a little more. So Saturday it was off to the walk in clinic. The doctor there checked the heart beat and recommended going in to the maternity clinic. Since it was a long weekend I decided Sunday (the 3rd) morning to send my husband and daughter to church alone while I went to the hospital to get things checked out (otherwise it would have meant waiting until the clinic opened on Tuesday). I spend a couple hours at the hospital relaxing. I was hooked up to the fetal monitor for half an hour. The doctor even did an internal exam to make sure nothing was up with my cervix. The heart rate and movements were great. The doctor even said that the baby seemed really happy in there. So I was sent home.

Well, The next few days are sort of a blur. I am pretty sure I felt some kicks Tuesday morning but other than that I am not sure. I remember being super tired but since I was working, pregnant and taking care of a toddler I figured that was normal. Also I was still feeling off but I thought that was the remnants of the stomach virus. So Thursday the 7th) when I realized I couldn't remember feeling movement that day I didn't panic. When I found blood I still didn't think too much of it since Sunday everything was so great. It was off to the hospital. Thankfully my husband drove up just as I was about to leave so we went together.

When we got there the nurse tried to hook up the fetal monitor. She was having a lot of trouble finding a heart beat other than mine but assured us that this was not uncommon (though the previous Sunday they had no problem). The longer she tried the worse it was. Then the doctor (thankfully my own maternity doctor was on call that night) came and tried. We were getting nervous but I was still hopeful. I mean who really thinks this outcome is possible until they are faced with it? Well, the ultrasound was next. I was looking at the screen and about 10 seconds after it was turned on it was obvious even to me what the truth was. It was confirmed when my doctor (who was sitting right beside me) rubbed my arm and said, "This is not your fault."

After that we had to wait for confirmation from another ultrasound tech. who took about an hour to get there. Once that was over we had to decide what to do. We were given 3 options. Stay and deliver, go home and sleep on it, or have a c-section. We decided to stay and deliver. We were moved to a delivery room and the doctor induced. I was actually already dilated a bit so thankfully it was not too long of an ordeal. It was 9pm when arrived at the hospital and Oliver was born at 2:11am.

Once he was born we held him and cried and marvelled at how perfect he looked. We were at the hospital until 9am and were able to keep him with us the whole time. The hospital gave us a box with the hospital bracelets, pictures, footprints, handprints and his measurements. They also gave us a quilt. Leaving Oliver in the hands of the nurse and walking away was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Now, a month later we are just planning his burial and service. We had an autopsy done and of course it showed no reason. It did show that he had passed "earlier than we thought" though the doctor did not go into detail about what that meant. So, I have been struggling with the fact that I didn't notice earlier, and the fact that everything was so good on Sunday. But, I know I did everything I could and that having my own doctor there was such a blessing. If I had noticed earlier she wouldn't have been there.

So, that is Oliver's story. He is much loved and I miss him with every fiber of my being. As a Christian, I believe I will see him again some day but my heart aches to hold him now.

Comments

Well, I was just wondering to myself whether or not to continue with my attempts at blogging. I logged in to find comments! Your comments have encouraged me to continue putting my thoughts up.

I know I haven't taken the time to put Oliver's whole story up yet. I will do that in time but today I will give an update on my job search.

I found out last week that I still qualify for maternity leave. Living in Canada is the best. I am able to get 15 weeks of EI which means I don't have to go back to work until after Christmas. I am so thankful for that. I have not found a daycare I can get excited about yet and the only one I was considering was almost $50/day. Hardly worth working when some schools only pay $150/day before taxes.

Went to the doctor last week and found out that there was no reason for Oliver's death. Not sure whether that helps or not. I had this huge fear that the report would say something about how I had done something wrong (irrational thoughts are so common right now) but thankfully that was not the case.

We had the cremation on Monday. It was so odd and wrong. To see such a little box on the huge cart. It might seem odd to attend but what else can we do as his parents? We are having a service for him next Wednesday.

Well, I think that is all for today. Thanks again for the comments.

What to Say?

Well, it's Monday so that means I survived Sunday. It wasn't easy but it also wasn't as hard as I thought. That could be due to the fact that since it is a long weekend there were about 20 people at church. Guess that means we do it all again next week.

I am struggling with what to write about. I want to put my story out there but am putting off starting to write it. It is still so raw. Some days I manage to shove the memories somewhere partially hidden but the last few days everything has been right on the surface. The longing to still be pregnant. The thought that I "should be" thinking about how we would probably have a baby next month. Seeing friends who are expecting, or seeing babies, especially boys.

Today I went clothes shopping. I have to buy work clothes. As a teacher I was going to start my maternity leave early so that I could spend some time with my daughter before the baby was born. Plus, who wants to work when they are 7 or 8 months pregnant? Well, now I have to start from the beginning. I don't have a job, I don't have daycare, and none of my work clothes fit. Thankfully I have the type of job where I can most likely find work (substitute teaching). It made me more than a little sad shopping for clothes though. You know how after you have a baby your middle doesn't always match your legs in sizes? Well pants are hard enough at the best of times but now I have that to deal with too. Managed to find something. Enough to go on interviews anyways.