Ramblings

Decisions

2010-12-16T18:43:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been quite a long time since I posted. Not sure why. Guess things have gotten busy. Have been thinking it's time to start writing again though.

When I was pregnant with Lucy and just after she was born we said we would wait until she was a year old to decide if we would have another baby. Lucy is 15 months old now and we are still dodging the issue a little. We live in a 2 bedroom home so that seems to me to be the biggest factor. At one point my husband said to me, "I don't think we're going to have any more kids are we?" At that comment I just started crying. So it has been hard to talk about. He knows my reasoning but the stupid money part of it makes things hard. Plus I can't even keep the house clean with 2 living children so what would it look like with another?

So why do I want another baby? I really do want one.

-I always thought it would be nice to have more than 2, at least I think I thought that...

-I want to try for another boy. Bad reason? Maybe. I would be happy with a third girl though

-I think that if I don't that I will regret it in 5 years

-I want to hold a baby again (an not just a friend's baby though that is nice too)

If anyone out there is still reading, what are your thoughts? What did/will you do?

My Girls

2010-02-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

Violet, age 3

Lucy, 5 1/2 months

Just a couple pics of my girls. I love them so much.

Missing

2009-11-21T08:54:00.000-08:00

I am blessed. I know I am. I have a warm, comfortable home. There is food in the fridge. I have a loving family which includes my husband and 2 beautiful daughters. Despite this, there will always be something missing. There is a big hole in my life where Oliver should have been. I have been struggling with that lately. Torn between my love and devotion to Lucy and my longing for what would have been with Oliver.

I had some friends over yesterday. One of them had a son at 28 weeks and the other had twins at 29 weeks. So I am sitting, listening to them talk about how much the babies weighed and their time in the hospital and all I can think about is Oliver. How much he weighed at 27 weeks, what he looked like, what it would have been like if they had found the infection and we were the ones spending months in the hospital with him.

I see him in my friend's daughter who had the same due date as me.

When we talk about who Lucy looks like I wonder who Oliver would look like if he were with us.

When I think about whether or not we will have another child I wonder what my motivations are and how I would feel if we had another girl.

I love my daughters. I feel so blessed to have them here with me but I still feel cheated. I want them to know their brother, I want to know their brother. I was thinking about the week he died last night and remembering what labour felt like. I thought back to when I went in for an NST a few days before he died and how everything seemed fine. I remember laying there listening to his heart and feeling him move and feeling so happy. It hit me that that time was a gift. Even though the problem was not discovered I did have that afternoon with him. Listening to him was like having a conversation with him. Not sure if that makes sense...

Better go attend to Violet...

Our Newest Family Member

2009-09-10T06:10:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been 2 weeks and I finally have a minute to sit and write this out.

Originally Lucy was set to be delivered by c-section on September 10th so I should still be pregnant but as I have learned, not all plans go according to how we think they will.

I had been going for weekly NSTs since 25 weeks to monitor baby and also to keep me sane. They usually went very well and the health of the baby was never in question. The last one I had was on Monday, Aug. 24. At that time I complained to the nurse that I had also been experiencing itchy hands and feet which is a symptom of a pregnancy condition I can't remember the name of. So, the lab came up to take some blood and I waited. The blood test was to check my liver function. While I waited, the NST continued. Eventually the blood work came back and the doctor came in to go over it with me. Not my regular doctor, but the Monday doctor whom I had met a couple other times b/c I always went on Mondays and sometimes had questions. Anyway, she showed me the numbers and told me that everything looked good. She also mentioned that the baby's heart rate was a little high (up around 200 for a while) but that it seemed to have calmed down. She told me that she would write a note in my file and that I would have to re-do the tests on Thursday to make sure nothing had developed.

OK, so I got home around 1 pm. We spent the afternoon and evening doing family things and didn't really think much about what the doctor had said. Around 7:30 the phone rang and surprise, it was the doctor! She told me that she had been thinking about me all afternoon and even though there was no immediate danger she didn't think I needed to be put through the stress of having to worry about what might happen. She talked to the OB that was on duty that day and the next day and they agreed that there was no reason to make me go another 2.5 weeks. She basically said that with the condition they were testing for that they would induce at 37 weeks anyways so I should just come in to the hospital in the morning and they would fit me in for my surgery! WOW, I was in shock and totally excited. The fact that a doctor I barely knew would go to that trouble for me was so touching. She even said she would try to be there to assist in the delivery even though it was not her day at the hospital.

So, then the frantic planning started. I already had a bag packed but we had to get Violet's things sorted. I did not sleep at all that night but eventually it was a reasonable time to get up. We dropped Violet off at her grandparents and headed to the hospital.

A different doctor that I don't know at all was on duty when I got there. He had another NST done which was completely normal. He was saying things that lead me to believe he might try to send me home. We were getting a little nervous but once the OB walked in everything was a go. She was very kind and talked about how she came very close to losing a child and could kind of relate and that it looked like it was "time to relieve me of my pregnancy."

Then the waiting. We got to the hospital around 8 and were told surgery would be at 3. At 1 the OR called up and informed the nurses we were a go at 2. Then one of the nurses came in and told me that my actual maternity doctor would be there to help with the surgery! They had called her to tell her what was going on and she insisted on being there. She was my doctor with Oliver as well and actually delivered him so I wanted her there too. I was touched that she would cancel all her appointments to be there for me. She came early and talked to me.

At 2:37 Lucy came screaming into the world. It was a great sound! The doctors all exclaimed how big she was (8 lbs 3 0z) for 37 weeks. I am so glad she came out early she would have been over 10 lbs! I had to stay in recovery while dad went up to the room with her. Apparently she cried the whole hour I was gone. As soon as I held her though, she stopped crying. She was hungry and wanted to nurse right away.

We were able to go home on Thursday and just missed seeing my OB who was scheduled to do the surgery. He actually came up to visit us but we had gone. He even phoned to congratulate us (he was there when Oliver was born as well).

So, the last 2 weeks we have been concentrating on getting Lucy to eat properly. She had a little trouble and I was a lot stressed out about it but as of today she is gaining and nursing properly.

Violet is loving being a big sister and has fun listing all of the things she can do that Lucy can't as well as all of the things Lucy isn't big enough for yet. Right now Lucy and I are downstairs because she shares a room with us and she had a stuffy nose which sounds horrible. I need my huby to sleep since he is home the next few days and will help with Violet. I wish I knew where the nose bulb thing was...

Anyway, we are feeling pretty blessed right now.

Slow Motion

2009-08-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

Could the next 3 weeks go any slower? Every day feels like a year. It doesn't help that it is hot again and I am huge. I have no energy to take Violet anywhere. Some friends have convinced Violet and I to go to the lake with them on Friday and I am already trying to figure out how to get out of it...

Strange that after Oliver died I swore I would not complain the next time I was pregnant. That I would blissfully endure everything about it. Hmmm... that is not the case. I have to be careful though. I am still wondering about another one in the future and if I complain too much that will give my hubby some ammunition! Well, he reads this so now he'll know my evil plan.

Other than being a wreck physically I am doing OK. It is getting a little easier to believe we might have a happy ending this time. Well, some days I am just waiting for something bad to happen. I have started to feel a bit crampy and will mention that to the doctor tomorrow. I'm sure she will cheerfully say, "Oh, that's normal" as usual but it is one of the things on the list that you are supposed to mention. The others that are "normal" to her are dizziness, sharp shooting pains somewhere I'd rather not talk about, and headaches. My blood pressure is normal though so as long as I am not falling over or passing out I think I am OK. I guess I will see what she says tomorrow.

Sounds like I am being called, I better go.

Getting There

2009-08-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

Including today I have 5 weeks and 2 days until my scheduled c-section.

This week that amount of time seems huge. This Saturday will be Oliver's 1 year birthday. That fact is making this week hard. Sunday I was crying because I kept thinking about how last year at this time he was still alive. I like being able to say that. Soon I won't. In fact tomorrow will be the anniversary of when I think he died. I told my husband that it feels like he is getting farther away from me. I know that is not really true since it is getting closer to the time when I will see him again, but the memories I have of him are slipping away. I just miss him.

On top of the emotional mess that I am this week I am also huge. We had a heat wave here last week which was awful and is promising to repeat itself next week (32 degrees Celsius plus 66% humidity). Add to that I have decided that now is the time to potty train Violet and you can guess how grumpy I am. :)

It will be such a relief to just see, hear, and hold this baby.

Emotions...

2009-07-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

So, I wrote in my last post about my friend who was on bed rest with twins. Well, she had them this week. Thankfully everything is fine and it looks like they will be OK. They were 3 lbs and 3 lbs 5 oz. I am so happy that they are healthy and that she was able to carry them long enough to give them such a high chance of survival.

That being said, I am also struggling. I know she would really like me to go with her to see them but I am not sure I can. The smallest one is less than a pound heavier than Oliver was and I don't know how I will react to seeing a live baby of that size. I don't want to make this all about me since it isn't about me at all, but my reaction may not be a happy one. I am also feeling selfish/annoyed by my emotional reaction to some of what she is saying. Of course she talks about how they feel so empty and incomplete with the babies being at the hospital and not at home with them. Well, I feel like saying, yeah, well imagine that feeling with no hope of ever bringing the baby home! She is my best friend so I will have to explain my apparent disinterest in going to the hospital...

I have been having a lot of moments where I miss Oliver lately. There are 2 babies at church who were born when Oliver should have been and I look at them and wonder what he would look like right now, how he would act, sleep, move, everything. I miss him a lot but at the same time I am looking forward to meeting the new little one who continues to kick me nonstop.

Doctors appointments have been going well. I have weekly NSTs which can be reassuring. Yesterday the babies heart rate dropped to 100 for a second so I was hooked up to the machine for an hour to make sure it didn't happen again. Of course that makes me even more nervous about things but my kick counts are still very good so the nurses said that it was OK. I have my next DR visit on Thursday so I will mention it to her and get more reassurance...

I am starting to feel huge. Once again I have gained a lot of weight and look forward to being able to get rid of it. I don't think I will get as heavy as I did with Violet but I definitely gained more this time than I was on track to with Oliver. I will attach a photo...

Sorry it was so long between posts, I will try to do better.

2009-05-16T14:07:00.001-07:00

Well, it certainly has been quite the week. Last Sunday was Mother's Day so let's start there. It was not the best day. We went to the cemetery and I tried to explain to Violet who we were visiting. That is always interesting... She thought it was a park and wanted to run around and see everything. We cleaned up Oliver's marker so at least it isn't covered in grass. There were a few new markers which made me sadder still.

After church we got rear ended on the way to lunch. Now my back is even worse than before. My chiropractor says I have some soft tissue damage. So now we have to deal with all of the insurance stuff and get the car fixed (it is still drivable).

Monday we went to visit our friends who just had a baby boy. That was OK. Not as bad as I thought but I couldn't hold him or anything.

Then, my best friend who is due 3 days before me with twins went for a routine ultrasound. It turns out her cervix is .8cm thick which is close to nothing so she is in the hospital on bed rest now. Since it is still pretty early, the hospital that deals with really early babies won't take her. The point of viability for twins is 24 weeks. She will be 23 tomorrow. So, now she waits. Apparently this is not uncommon for twins but it is much earlier than it should be. We are praying that they will stay put for at least another month or two.

To top it all off, we found out that friends of ours just had a baby boy. The part that really shook me was that he was 2 lbs 12 oz. Not much bigger than Oliver was. It made me mad. Not mad at them, it's not like they chose to have their baby that early, but mad because if Oliver had been born alive he would have had a 90% chance of surviving (since there were no health problems that lead to his death). Mad that no one knew that there was something wrong with me. Irrationally mad.

So, obviously, I am making no plans to go and visit them at this point.

After all of this drama I have become much more paranoid. Everything concerns me. It's like I have to worry about everything or nothing. I just wish I could know that everything will be fine.

Ultrasound

2009-04-23T06:49:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of the feet.

Profile...

The alien face. Always a classic...

Overall the ultrasound went well. The tech was nice but not overly friendly. Some of them will print off 5 or 6 pics but she was only going to do 2 at first. That's ok. I'm sure I will have more than one scan this time (usually where I live you only have 1 per pregnancy).

Busy

2009-04-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since my last post. It seems that when I think of something to write about I am at work and then by the time I get home I am too tired to type. Well, here I am typing. Now to think of what I want to write about.

I have been missing Oliver a lot lately. I had a week of thinking that I really want this baby to be a boy. We are undecided about having more after this and I think if we have another girl I will be a little sad. I know I will be happy if we come home with a baby at all but it is something I think about. Plus on Easter Sunday my pastor was going on and on about death and talking about the first time he saw a person who had died (as a pastor) which got me remembering the night Oliver was born and what it was like to hold him.

At school we are learning about Revelation right now in Bible class. This week we were talking about heaven. I told my kids that I think about heaven a lot more now. I think about people I know who are there and pray that they will meet Oliver so that they can tell him about me. That might seem weird but it is true.

As far as pregnancy goes things are going OK. We are at 18 weeks now and every week it seems a little more possible that things might turn out different this time. I know that our loss week (27) will be the hardest. That also coincides with the last week of school so I don't know if I will be able to take a personal day... Actually I might be able to since the day of 27 weeks, which was the day Oliver was born last time, the grade 7s are going to the water slides all day. Not the most fun field trip at almost 7 months pregnant...

Anyway, I have been really busy at work and so very tired. I think my iron might be low. I have been doing a terrible job of keeping up with school work and I know there are a few parents that I should be in contact with about homework. I just can't seem to get it in gear. How do I make myself care more? I love my students they are so nice and we have fun but I don't care about the paperwork side of things. That has always been a weak spot for me (marking) but this year it is worse.

This has been a scattered post but it is good to write. I hope you are all doing well. Thanks for reading.

-detailed ultrasound (our first ultrasound this pregnancy) - April 21 -check back for pictures
-next doctor appointment - May 7
-OB appointment - May 26

2009-04-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of a rough day today. The teacher who I took over for had her baby (a boy) over spring break so everyone is really excited. Of course I am happy that everything is good but that doesn't mean I want to see huge pictures of him every time I go into the staff room. I usually try to sit with my back to the photos.

Today she brought him in for a visit. Thankfully I had mentioned to her that I might not handle seeing her very well so she came at a time when I was teaching in a different class. Just knowing she was coming put me on edge all day. It is so hard when no one understands why I am upset. I am sure they all think I should just get over it and be happy that I am pregnant again. I just miss Oliver so much lately.

Last week I actually bought a sleeper for the newest baby. It feels weird to call the baby "new baby" as that was our nickname for Oliver so I will use newest for now. I thought that buying something might help me to feel more positive about the baby. It kinda helped but it also made me sad because I started thinking about how Oliver never got to wear anything that was bought for him and how he is missed so much.

Also, at church I was overwhelmed by how much I love Violet as I watched her run around. It struck me then how I would have had the same awe for Oliver. Of course I love him but it is different - it's not the staring at your child hardly believing they are really yours type love.

So, it has been an emotional week. Sometimes I wonder if I even have any emotions left but they are in there somewhere...

Hope you are all doing well.

Phew

2009-03-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

We have a heartbeat. I am relieved. At least for the moment!

I had a talk with my husband about how I was feeling so paranoid. He said something that made sense to me in terms of the whole stomach virus thing. Last time the stomach virus was the first in a series of things that made it harder to tell if something was wrong with Oliver. I never really felt healthy from when I had the s.v. until after he was born. There were other factors too. Working, looking after Violet, being so tired. All things I just dealt with. Now, looking back we can see that I was not feeling right. So this time, since I have been feeling back to normal and haven't had any other weird symptoms, he was not concerned. Makes sense.

Now that we have heard the baby I am going to go out and buy maternity jeans. I wore my old ones out with Violet and with Oliver I didn't really need them. But now we are allowed to wear jeans to work so I would really like to have some. Plus the yoga pants I keep wearing on the weekends are getting a little ratty.

Well, that's the update for today.

Nerves

2009-03-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

It has been quite the week. Violet woke up with a stomach virus last Sunday which started the roller coaster. Thankfully my husband has Monday's off so he was able to stay with her. I was on for Tuesday, and since it was report cards, band concert, and the last day of cooking 8 (yes, I teach grade 8 cooking) Wednesday grandma and grandpa sacrificed their health to help us out. As it turned out Ward got sick Tuesday night and I had to turn right around on Thursday and head home. Spent all day Thursday in bed and the bathroom. Couldn't eat on Thursday or Friday. Managed some fluids overnight but not much.

The most worry some part of this whole thing is that about a week and a half before Oliver died we all got a stomach virus. It happened in the same order too. So, now I am totally freaked out. I have pretty much convinced myself that when I go in to the doctor tomorrow there will be no heartbeat. I have never been told that the stomach virus had anything to do with what happened but I haven't really asked that question either. I guess it is time to ask.

I have started thinking about how I will tell people the bad news after tomorrow's appointment. I have even started thinking (again) that Violet is destined to be an only child (you know what I mean).

So, needless to say I have not been sleeping well and have been having even crazier dreams than ever.

Expect an update sometime soon...

Update

2009-03-07T08:13:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a busy couple of weeks so I have not been motivated to post. Now I am ready to let you know how things are going.

I have been back to the doctor. I asked her my questions but was told that there are no answers. The infection could have been a cause or a result of Oliver's death. As far as she knows there was no sign that I was leaking fluid (though I have heard that it can be such a small leak that no one notices). She told me that we have no more chance than anyone else of this happening again which is both reassuring and no help at all since that was true last time as well.

Basically she said I should ask the OB when I go at 20 weeks. She is going to send me to him so that he can make a plan for the second half. That may be a little awkward since he was there when Oliver was born but I also saw him with Violet so I think it will be OK. My doctor trusts his opinion the most so I will go with him.

She tried to find the heartbeat but it was hidden. Then she did an internal and realized that my uterus is tilted back. So, it's back this week to hear the heart!

Once she has found the heartbeat I am going to order a Doppler. I have also ordered an electronic kick counter which records your last 10 counts. I actually held one in my hand and thought about buying it when I was 20 weeks with Oliver so that is something that I regret not having last time. Not that if I had it I would have used it since I didn't do any manual kick counts. I really wish doctors would tell us to do those.

My close close friend is also pregnant (twins) and due 3 days before me. We have the same doctor. Our doctor informed her at her last appointment that she (the Dr) is also pregnant with twins. Her due date? THE SAME AS MINE!!! I wonder when she is going to tell me? I cried a little. I know it is selfish but I really wanted her to be there when we deliver. She has been through the worst with us and I trust her.

I also decided this week that it was time to let the cat out of the bag. Or, to be more specific, to let my stomach out of the puffy vest. I had been wearing the same vest every day to work to try to hide my belly. I always show early and this time it didn't help that I had 10 pounds left over from when I was pregnant with Oliver. So, the news is now public. At least our close friends know and my work knows. My students cheered very loudly which was touching. They have only known me a month but they do know my story.

So, that is what has been going on. I will post again after we hear the heart!!!

Why Now?

2009-02-15T19:54:00.000-08:00

So, I went to see my maternity doctor this week, the one who delivered Oliver. I went in because I am currently 10 weeks pregnant (still a huge secret btw) and it was time to see her. Well, while we were talking she just throws out there the fact that Oliver died from an infection. WHAT??? Why am I finding out about this 6 months later? What in the world? I was totally floored. My first thought was, "So it was my fault" which gives you an idea of how hard it hit me. At my last appointment she had said there was no apparent reason but I guess something came up. As you can imagine, I was a little upset by this and had trouble remembering what I had meant to ask her. So now I have many new questions like:
-did the internal exam I had a couple days before I died have anything to do with this?
-what kind of infection?
-how are we going to prevent this from happening again?
-was it because I had a stomach virus?
-why am I only finding out about this now?

This has really taken me by surprise. I guess I had come to terms with the fact that we would never know why. Now I have taken a few steps backwards in my grieving process. Not to mention the fact I am freaked out that it will happen again.

As for the being pregnant right now, we haven't told more than a couple people so if you are reading this and you know me in the real world you are not allowed to tell anyone!!

One note about my first week back at work. On Friday the students told me that I always look like I am ready to go home. I asked if it was because I was wearing a vest?? but no. Apparently it is obvious that I would rather be somewhere else. I guess I better stop feeling so sorry for myself and get with it.

6 Months

2009-02-08T15:27:00.000-08:00

Well, it h as been six months since Oliver was born. We went to the cemetery this morning on the way to church and of course Violet was with us. My husband asked, "When do we tell Violet?" I replied that we could talk to her about it now but that she won't remember.

So he explained to her that we were visiting her brother and that his name is Oliver. I asked her if she could say Oliver and it was so cute/sad to hear her say it.

Anyway, it was emotional but not too bad. It helped that I didn't really have to talk to anyone all day.

Tomorrow is my first day back full time. I am taking over a grade seven class. Should be interesting.

Had a very awkward conversation with a staff member on Friday when I was in subbing. Before I start I will tell you that in August when they had their first all school staff meeting what had happened with Oliver was explained to the staff and they spent time praying for us.

So when I sat down for lunch and a staff member asked, "How old are your kids now?" I didn't really know how to respond. I just stared at her for a moment and she said something about me only having one so I just talked about Violet and left it at that not wanting to get into everything. Then she said, "I thought you had another one before that." To which I replied, "No, I had one after. In August." And she said, "Oh yeah, sorry" or something like that. She really is a nice lady and I'm not sure if maybe she missed the meeting (she is in the business office of the school) or just forgot but it sure was a strange conversation.

I guess I can look forward to more of that in the next months...

Thank You!

2009-01-20T19:20:00.000-08:00

I just found out that one of the moms who belongs to the same message board as me took this picture back around our due dates. I had to share it since it brought me to tears.

Work

2009-01-12T19:18:00.000-08:00

I have now realized how fortunate I have been to have the last 5 months off. I am not enjoying being back at work. I haven't even started full time yet, I'm just subbing but I still don't like it.

I guess it is a good distraction and I actually get a chance to talk to adults but I miss being at home. It was nice to sleep in, to have the day with Violet, to do whatever. Now I know I am going to have to bring work home, mark papers, deal with hormonal teenagers.

Plus, no one really gets why I don't want to be there. The fact that being there is a reminder that I shouldn't be there. The fact that covering for another teacher who is going off to have a baby is not my favourite thing. I'll have to warn her that I might be emotional when she comes in with her baby...

I am extremely grateful to have a job. Especially one that I know I can do - for the most part. It's just hard.

Well, I know I can survive this. One good thing is that the teacher whom I am replacing is going to finish report cards so I won't have to do that the second week back (like I did last year when I went back in Feb. after a year with Violet).

Confession

2008-12-31T13:54:00.000-08:00

When I see moms with more than 3 kids I think to myself, "Showoff!"

I now think more about how my actions might affect others. I hope I was never too braggy when I was pregnant, that I didn't seem to want the whole world to look at me. I hope I wasn't too showy with my first baby. That I didn't beam too much in front of the wrong people.

How was I to know that this happens to people? That babies die, that it would happen to me? This is the kind of thing that happens to someone else. A friend of a friend. Someone you will never meet. Not to me, and two other people I know all within 6 months of each other.

So, bear with me if I want to punch or push over every pregnant person I see. If I want to poke your baby so that it will cry and you will have to deal with it. Excuse me if I glare at you for showing your baby off so proudly. Sorry if I don't jump up and down when you tell me you're pregnant. I hope you will never really understand what I am going through.

So, it's New Years' Eve. Can't say I feel much like celebrating. I will, however, toast to everyone who does understand how I feel. A toast to peace in our hearts. A toast to some sort of happiness in the next year. A toast to all of our children who are missed beyond measure.

Missing Oliver more than ever today
Jamie

Christmas Cheer

2008-12-27T23:07:00.000-08:00

I decided today that I have had enough of Christmas. So, I took down the tree and put away all of the decorations. It's only the 27th but I was sick of looking at everything.

How was my Christmas? OK, I guess. Violet was amazing. She keeps us going for sure. Having her to watch is the cheer in our days. Of course I spent a fair amount of time missing Oliver. It snowed here a lot in the last week, like 40+ cm which is not normal for Vancouver - think rain, rain, rain. That meant we didn't make the trip to the cemetery. I was up in the air about whether or not I wanted to go until we didn't go and then I wished I had. Well, I will go this week.

We went to a few family gatherings and it just felt so wrong to not have Oliver with us or to talk about him or something. I just wanted to stop everything and scream or cry or leave. Instead I ate more food than I should have. At one gathering full of people who are related to my husband's step-mom, most of whom I will not see again for years, one lady said something about it being time to have more kids. I looked at her, and took the plunge. I told her what had happened. She said, "Sometimes things just happen for a reason," which is one of my least favourite things to hear so I replied (nicely, don't worry), "And sometimes things just happen and we never really know why."

That said, I am a person that believes there is a plan for my life. I believe I can learn something from this experience. That God can use it somehow in my life. I do not believe, however, that he planned this exact experience. I just don't know what would be a big enough life lesson for me that would make my son dying worth while. So I choose to believe in the loving God who cries with me, who feels my pain, and who has lost a son of his own.

Yikes. I don't usually go on about my faith. I don't know why, it is an important part of who I am. I guess it has been on hold lately. I dread church and don't really listen or participate. Maybe I will have to make some sort of new year's resolution in regards to that.

Well, it is almost 11:30 and I am only staying up to write this. My cough is gone so I am back to getting some sleep.

I hope that all who read this will find some peace in this season.

Coughing and the Conversation it Lead to

2008-12-21T01:15:00.000-08:00

I'm still coughing. It really sucks. Last night I was up until 2:30 and then awake again from 4 - 5. So, it was off to the walk in clinic. Looks like I have bronchitis. Fun. Hopefully the meds will work quickly and I can get back to sleep. Right now it is 1:15 and I am up doing this.

I had an interesting visit to the walk in clinic. When I got there it was just opening so I actually beat the doctor in. When she walked in I immediately recognized her as the doctor that I saw the weekend before Oliver died. I had been having some spotting so I went to the clinic that Saturday. After she had diagnosed me and was going to give me a prescription she referred to her notes and asked, 'How far along are you?" Then, realizing that was incorrect from her notes and the date she asked,"Have you had your baby yet?" I told her that he had been stillborn just after I saw her and then she had lots of questions. She wanted to know if I had gone to the hospital after seeing her, yes. She asked if they had done an ultrasound, no, but they did monitor him. I told her that everything had seemed fine and the doctor didn't find any problems. She seemed quite interested, like she wanted to try to figure things out. At one point I told her that I didn't have any guilt or blame issues. I realized at that point that it was true. Sometimes I have the what if conversation with myself but I really don't blame myself or the doctors involved. It feels good to know that I am really there. Saying it out loud to her just cemented it.

It's Late

2008-12-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

Well, it's 11:44 pm and our neighbours fire alarm is going off. What in the world are they doing? It often goes off for long periods of time during the day as well. Not sure if they just can't cook or... It's off now. After 4 minutes! I was actually starting to get a little nervous!

That's not why I was going to post but just thought I would share since everyone else here is asleep. I should be too but I have a cough and I had a nap this afternoon. The cough is loud and annoying and I am not tired since I had a nap. Well, that is not true. I am tired but I can't sleep because of the nap. I knew better too but I haven't been feeling well so I took a chance.

Last weekend was my husband's birthday. We went to his Grandma's for dinner. I was eating my food when all of a sudden I just started thinking about what it would have been like if Oliver was here with us. I was thinking of how he would have been sleeping in his car seat or the portable swing while we ate. I could picture where we would have stuck him and how he would look sleeping there.

Special occasions and holidays are not much fun right now. The only thing getting us through Christmas is the thought of how excited Violet is going to be. She really does brighten up our days.

Home Again...

2008-12-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

Well, we went away last weekend and it was really nice. It was great to get away just the two of us and actually have fun together. I mean we always have fun with Violet too but well, you know parents need alone time too! That was the longest we have been away from Violet. We left Friday morning and didn't see her until Tuesday morning. My parents came in from out of town to watch her. My dad gave her junk food and let her watch TV (one of her new words is "Backyardigans"). The took her to the Santa Clause parade. It sounds like they had a great time! I am so thankful that they travelled all the way here to watch her.

Ward qualified for the Boston Marathon with a time of 3:15:44 so we are off to Boston in 2010! Something to plan for.

So, we've had a few pregnancy announcements in our life lately. Of course we are happy for our friends. One couple has been trying for a while so we are glad for them. I also got a letter from another friend and found out she is expecting in March! That is so soon. Her son was 1 in August.

Yeah, so I am a little sad about all of that. More babies. whoo. By the time most of them arrive it will be almost a year since Oliver died. I have been struggling a lot this week with why. Why? How can there be no reason? How can a perfectly healthy baby just die? Why me? I know everyone has these thoughts.

So, now we are talking about trying again. I am dreading it. The scheduling, the waiting, the disappointments. With Oliver it happened as we were deciding to start "not not trying" but it took a little longer with Violet. It's just different this time. There is so much more going on. I don't want to get stressed out but I think it is too late.

If anyone has advice or comments about trying again I would love to hear them.

More of the Same

2008-12-02T22:00:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems that crying at church will be added to the "new normal" for a while. This Sunday was not nearly as volatile as last week but there were still tears.

We were sitting a few rows behind our friends with the newborn and I was just getting emotional thinking about how we should have Oliver with us too. Another couple was there with their baby for the first time too. Ward asked if I wanted to move and I said yes maybe but where to? It doesn't seem to matter where we sit.

We stayed this time. I had to read a passage at the end and had the pastor's Bible so there was no getting away. One of my friends joked that I should start attending a church were it is mostly senior citizens. Funny but not practical for real life.

So, the what should have or could have been was on my mind for sure.

On an up note Ward and I are off to Vegas this weekend! He is finally running his qualifying race for Boston and I am going to shop. Still about 10 pounds (or more after the week I've had) off my pre-baby me but I am going to buy a few things anyway. Like a bra that fits for one. Why does your body change so much every time you have a child?? My parents are coming into town to watch Violet so it will be a much needed holiday for us. I'll let you know how it is!

Emotional Roller Coaster

2008-11-27T13:03:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been quite a week. Last Saturday we went to visit our friends who had a baby while I was out of town. Their due date was 1 week exactly after ours. Not sure what to expect, we dropped Violet off at her grandparents and headed over. It was not emotional at all. I held the baby and it was fine. No problem. That was Saturday...

That night after we got home and put Violet to bed we talked a little about our day. One thing that my husband said stuck with me. He said that when we were talking with them about babies and normal behaviour (they have all the first time parent type questions) he was thinking that instead of remembering what Violet was like we should have been comparing (in a good way) our two babies. He's right. We went to bed early being exhausted but our neighbours were having a housewarming party. We live in a town home so some walls are shared. It is a 4 bedroom and they don't have kids so they turned the bedroom that shares a wall with our bedroom into a video game/guitar room. Finally at 1:30 am when the guitar was added to the music and games Ward banged on the wall (just like in college!) The noise quickly stopped.

After that I did not sleep well. I had so many crazy dreams about babies and losing babies my mind never settled down. I woke up in the morning feeling like I needed to go back to bed. Since Ward runs Sunday mornings I get up when Violet does. No extra rest for anyone!

Sundays are notoriously bad for me. Maybe I am making it worse by believing that but it has been true. Even at my parents church was hard. A girl I know from high school (who is friends with me on facebook and should know better if she paid any attention at all) asked if we were going to have more kids. I looked at her and said, "You know we had one in the summer, right?" She said, "Oh, I thought I saw something on facebook about that." And then something about waiting between kids which made it sound like the whole break between Violet and number 3 was my idea... People just don't know how to react.

Anyway, back to this week. I went to church feeling tired and beat up. I followed Violet around trying to compose myself. Then My friend with the baby walked in. Violet loves her so she ran over to see her and the baby. I lost it. I cried more than I have since the first couple weeks after we lost Oliver. My friend cried to. So here we are hugging and crying on what should have been her happy day bringing her daughter to church for the first time. I am so glad that she is understanding and that she feels some of our pain too.

Needless to say, we left church early that day. We stopped at the cemetery (Violet's first visit) and then went for a family lunch.

Since then Violet and I have been to visit the baby. Violet loves her so much. She stood and stared at her most of the time. She held her hand and kissed her. When the baby opened her eyes Violet yelled, "Hello!" It was so sweet. I know it would have been a little different having a baby around the house all the time. Violet did try to poke her in the eye and was climbing all over but it was SO cute. I am including a pic of myself, Violet, and Kacia.

It felt so nice to hold the baby. I think we are ready to start trying for number 3. Part of me wants to fast forward to the end of all of the trying and waiting but I know that is not how it works. Plus I am really (mostly) enjoying the stage Violet is at right now.

Oliver's Marker

2008-11-22T13:47:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of Oliver's marker. I mentioned in my last post that I was not sure what I thought of it. I am not a person that does well with surprises. I need time to process things. So I think that when I saw something I wasn't expecting I kinda freaked out a bit. Now that I have had time to think it over it makes sense that the lettering is white. I am still disappointed that the hand and foot prints are enlarged from what we gave them but I am OK with it. There is nothing I can do anyway. I should have talked to the lady on the phone instead of emailing. I don't think she completely understood what I wanted. I am glad it is finished and in place.

Vacation?

2008-11-20T16:55:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a while since I posted. That is because I went to Saskatchewan to visit my parents. Since they don't know about my blog I decided to leave updating until I got back.

So, in the one week that I was gone 3 babies were born to people that I may or may not see. One was to one of my best friends. They had a girl, named Kacia (Kay-sha). I have talked to her since I got back and we are going to see them on Saturday. We thought it would be best to get the first awkward meeting out of the way before church. The second was a boy to one of my good friend's sisters. The third, also a boy, was to another family in my church. So, if my friend's sister all of a sudden decides to come to church with her there will be 3 newborns at church. That should be fun... Oh, did I mention that the day we found out about Kacia was the day we found out that Oliver's grave marker was put in place? Great timing.

So, I went to see Oliver's marker today. I wanted to see what it looks like. We had his hand and foot prints put on it. The thing is I'm not sure I like the way it looks. The stone is black and then the writing has white paint or something in it. I was not told about that. Plus the hand and foot prints are larger than the ones I gave them. I signed off on the design so there is nothing I can do about that but what about the colour? I will have to talk to my husband and see what he thinks of it (he went to see it while I was gone).

Weekend Update

2008-11-09T08:31:00.000-08:00

Well, this weekend was/is the weekend of dates. Friday was our original due date (the 7th) and Saturday (the 8th) was Oliver's 3 month "birthday." At first I was not looking forward to having those two things so close together but in the end I think it was better to have one not great weekend rather than two of them.

So, how was my weekend? Surprisingly not that bad. I think I had built it up into this huge event that was going to reduce me to tears which would not have been entirely shocking. I was not in a good mood on Friday. I cried a little in the evening once Ward was home. But not the meltdown I had expected. Saturday was actually a good day all things considered. I had arranged for Violet to go to her grandparents for a sleep over so I dropped her off around lunch. I had a spa treatment booked for the afternoon (which had originally been a pregnancy massage bought for me for mother's day by my hubby). It was really great. It was a hot stone massage and I would totally recommend it to anyone thinking of going in for some pampering. After that I did a little shopping and by the time I got home Ward was also just getting home from work. We had the evening to ourselves and it was a nice treat. Of course I thought about Oliver a lot but I was glad not to be controlled by my grief.

So, now it is Sunday - my most dreaded of days. Church is usually the hardest place to go. It always makes me emotional. But, on the plus side I am home alone right now and enjoying a cup of coffee. Did I mention I was home alone? The last time I was able to wake up alone in the house was before Violet was born. Obviously I would rather be home with a sleeping or crying or hungry newborn but since that can't be the case I will take the silence.

Sorry this is kinda rambles a bit but I warned you that might happen in my blog title...

Add On

2008-11-05T14:16:00.000-08:00

I remembered something from my visit to school yesterday that I wanted to add. While a couple students were asking me about where my baby was one other girl did something different and very sweet. She looked at me with a look of sympathy and said, "I know what happened" as she gave my arm a quick rub. From a 10/11 year old? Sometimes kids are quite mature.

Days Like This

2008-11-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

Well, today was one of those days that I have been hoping wouldn't happen. There is a book fair going on at the school where I worked/work so I decided to go in for a visit. This is not the first time I have gone in so I was not really anticipating anything. I thought maybe I would run into a parent but that it would be fine. Not the case.

Violet and I were wandering around the school and went by the gym. Since she loves kids we went in to visit. I did not realize it was grade 5 intramurals going on. I taught grade 4 last year so these were my kids. They saw us and headed over in a swarm. That was fine (except for the fact I totally interrupted the game) until a couple students asked, "Where's your new baby?" One girl asked and I just stared at her. I didn't know what to say. Why should it be up to me to tell an 11 year old child that my baby is dead? Thankfully the teacher in charge came over to get them back on track and she told them that my baby is in heaven. She whispered to me to say that but I just couldn't answer. Not the visit I was expecting.

I am thinking of emailing my principal to let him know about what happened. I think it was harder on me than the students but when I sub there I don't want to have to do this a bunch more times. I don't know... Well, he has gone through this so I think I will just tell him so at least he knows. Whether or not there is something he can do will be up to him I guess.

On to another topic now. Sunday night I was up around 5:45 registering for my half marathon. When I went back to bed I was laying there half asleep daydreaming about Oliver. I was thinking about how he would be here with us now and I got this picture of what he would look like. It seemed to me like it was actually looking at him. I could see his pudgy face and he had a little bit of blondish hair. My husband had reddish blond hair as a baby so I think that Oliver would have had it too. Anyway, it was a good daydream even though it was sad.

Feeling Better

2008-10-29T21:42:00.001-07:00

I am in a better mood today. We (Violet and I) have been keeping busy this week with shopping and visiting and cooking. I have decided to make a bunch of soup for one of my very good friends who is having a baby in November. It was fun to work in the kitchen but not fun when I saw what a mess I had made!

Running has been going well too. I went out and bought a new running shirt for the outdoors (it is very rainy and cold here in the winter). So far this week I have run 9 miles with 3 more to go on Saturday. My time was not as slow as previously posted. Tonight I ran 3 miles in 33 minutes which puts me well within the 3 hour time limit of the race I am signing up for. It feels good to run again. To let off some steam and feel like I might actually get into shape.

I have put together a photo box with some of Oliver's things. It has footprints, hand prints, and an ultrasound photo from our 19 week ultrasound. He was moving around like crazy that day! No photo of him after he was born though. We haven't shown that to anyone yet. I would like to show my parents though.

So, life goes on. 6 more weeks of maternity leave (weird that it is called that even in this circumstance) then it will be back to work. There is a lady in my townhouse complex who watches kids who will take Violet so that is cool. As much as I dread going back to work I am looking forward to it as well. I think it will be good for me to get out and talk to adults again. Baby brain has been compounded by everything and I find myself not making a lot of sense at times. My mom told me to start taking Omega 3's but I realized after taking them that they are probably a point each (Weight Watchers) and I am supposed to take 3 a day. I will have to look into that at my next WW meeting.

Time for sleep now.

The New Normal

2008-10-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

I keep waiting for things to change. To go back to normal. I hate the new normal. I want it to go away.

This week is going to be hard. It already has been and it is only Sunday. This would have been Oliver's birth week. we were going for a planned c-section so that is usually a week or more early.

I hate feeling sad all the time. I hate feeling guilty for being sad so much. I hate feeling like I am the downer in the crowd and I worry that my friends will stop talking to me because all I do is think about and talk about Oliver and how sad I am. I was not the most bubbly person to begin with so the new me is quite solemn.

I feel like everywhere I go people either have no idea what I am going through or they know and feel sorry for me. Someone asked me why I was sad - I said, "The usual." They asked what they could do but apart from being able to go back in time there is not much that I could think of. Since time travel is not really possible (believe me I've prayed to go back) I am just going to have to learn to deal with the new me and how to live now.

Some days I feel completely normal, like before, but there is usually a moment or two during the day where it all comes back.

Well, I don't want to be depressing so I will end off with a video of the best sound in my world right now. Mu husband is making the cow puppet eat and then cough and hiccup the finger puppets back to Violet. She thought it was pretty funny.

Running

2008-10-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I was a runner. I ran the Victoria Half Marathon in October of 2005. Just over 3 years ago. I was in the best shape of my life at that time. Then a hamstring injury prevented me from running for a bit. Then I broke my arm snowboarding with my grade 7 class. Then I was pregnant with Violet. Once she came along I got back in shape (well, enough to fit into my work pants). I was back at work on February 4th of 2008 and pregnant with Oliver before the month was half over. Needless to say, my career as a distance runner ended before it began.

That brings us to the present. I find myself once again trying to loose post pregnancy pounds (4 gone, 16 to go) and once again signed up to run a half marathon - in February. I think I might be slightly crazy since the most I have run recently is 3 miles (on Sunday) and a half is 13 miles. YIKES!!! I had better get it in gear. I was just looking at the race website and there is a 3 hour time limit on the race. I have to be able to finish under 3 hours. That itself is funny to me since my last half was run in 2:15 with a hamstring injury that made it a very painful 13 miles. However, as funny as it may sound it is a goal I am scared of at the moment since my 3 miles were run in about 40 minutes which puts me at just over 13 minute miles. At that pace I would be OK except that I was almost ready to collapse after 40 minutes. I can't even begin to imagine 170 - 180 minutes. Oh well, that's what makes it a goal.

Shopping Carts

2008-10-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

So the last few times we have gone to the grocery store I have put Violet in one of those carts with the steering wheels. She really enjoys driving us around the store. The thing about these carts is that they are made for two kids. Violet has spent a lot of her time patting the second seat and saying, "Baby." I think it is just because she wants a friend to come in there with her.

One other thing she said made me wonder a bit... My parents were in town over the weekend. We took them to the airport and then Violet was talking about the planes. Later in the day after we had done our shopping she said, "Appa, plane." I said, did Grandpa go on a plane?" Then the same for Amma and then she said, "Baby, plane." How much do they pick up at 18 - 20 months? After Everything happened with Oliver her favourite word was baby for the next couple weeks. We had talked to her about the baby a bit but she was so young. Maybe she was just talking about herself how she wants to go on a plane but it still made me wonder how much she picked up on.

Posts, Secrets, Stickers, and Thanksgiving

2008-10-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

I noted to my husband a couple days ago that I have been posting much more regularly this last week or so. I will need to remember to post even when I am doing "well."

I was also thinking about this blog. What I am wondering is whether or not I should actually tell people about it. If you read my blog it is because you linked to it through a message board or other blog. I have told some people that I am writing it but have not given out the address. No one that I have ever spoken to face to face has read this. Now I am wondering if I should let a few people in. This one is so different from my other blog. I am wondering if letting them read this would scare them or give them insight into how I am doing or what I am thinking.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving here in Canada. My parents are here from Saskatchewan and we went to the pumpkin patch with my brother and his wife and kids. While we were there I had to laugh at my change of perspective (imagine a short cynical laugh rather than a loud "I think this is funny" laugh). There were a number of pregnant women and families with new babies. As I should be in the 2-3 week countdown right now I wanted to run up and push them over. I couldn't convince my mom or sister-in-law to help though... Anyway, perspective. One of the women who had a particularly large belly had put her bright green admission sticker on the front of her belly. My first thought was, "Show off!" In other circumstances I would have thought it cute or even copied it.

Now to thanksgiving. Do I have things to be thankful for? Of course. Am I prepared to let go of the mood I've been in this week to shout them out? Not a chance. I guess I could whisper a few of them to you though.

Things I am thankful for at this moment:
-my husband who bears my moods
-my daughter who brings so much joy (and is still sleeping right now even though it is 9am here)
-friends who listen to me go on and on and on about things
-that I don't have to go back to work until after Christmas

Valleys

2008-10-10T17:05:00.000-07:00

I have been told by many people that grief is full of peaks and valleys. Of course this makes sense but you know sometimes you have to experience something before you believe it.

I am in a valley. Not sure if I am still on my way down or if I am sitting at the bottom but I am not clawing my way out yet that I know for sure. It started on Sunday during a church meeting we were hosting. At that meeting were dear friends of ours who have the unfortunate timing of having a due date a week and a half or so after ours would have been. We were talking about small groups and getting them started up again. The husband of the pair was talking about how he would like to host but wasn't sure if he should commit, "Because we are having a baby in 6 weeks." It hit me then, AND I'M NOT!!!! It was like a switch went off in my brain. Not that I had any delusions that we were still going to have a baby but just when I think it can't get any more real - it does. He did not say it to me and probably thought nothing of it but it set me off. That and the 2 month marker, and getting my period on the 4th.

It's just sucks so much. It's like someone tore a huge hole in my heart and I keep waiting for it to heal but it never will. This is normal now. The hole will get patched up but will never be healed completely. That is another thing that I have been told by wise people. That the grief will always be there. It will change but it won't go away. That is another thing I knew but am now starting to believe as well.

A friend asked me what has been the most difficult thing about this whole experience. Just one thing?? I told her that the hardest thing to do was to walk away from the hospital without him, to leave him behind. Living without him is the huge answer to that question but it is the feeling of emptiness that gets to me. My body is empty, my arms are empty, my heart is broken. Even though I have a great life outside of this tragedy I feel empty.

Oh, if there is anyone reading who has suggestions for sleep aids I am also still having a lot of trouble sleeping. That along with the hormones is probably adding to my downswing.

2 Months

2008-10-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

Today is Oliver's 2 month birthday. A weird thing since he is not here. I spent the day being sad and letting Violet watch an unhealthy amount of tv. This whole situation really sucks.

I am reading a book right now that was a gift from my Mom. It is called "Safe in the Arms of God; Truth From Heaven About the Death of a Child." I will post more info about it once I get further into it. Not sure yet whether I would recommend it.

Baby Weight

2008-10-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I have decided it is time to loose the "baby weight." This has been something of a struggle for me for a lot of reasons. The fact that I have no baby being the biggest. Of course there is always the fact that it is not even my due date yet, that I shouldn't have to be thinking about this at all at this point.

The good news is that I only have to lose about 20 pounds to get back to my goal weight. I am a lifetime member at weight watchers so that is how I will go about it this time as well. 20 should be a little easier than the 50 I had with my daughter.

I also have a goal in mind. My husband is training to run a marathon and qualify for Boston. His qualifying race is in Vegas in early December and I am going with him. I hear the shopping is fantastic so I would like to be able to do some. So that gives me 9 weeks to get it together. It also gives me something other than my loss to think about.

Sleep

2008-09-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

Oh to get one good night's sleep. It seems like I wake up a little less rested each day. Since Oliver's service I have had 3 nights of restless sleep filled with dreams of babies. The dreams make no sense and I am not going to even try to write them down. I am fortunate that Violet is such an easy going child (except for the occasional "no" festival she has). At least she sleeps.

Tonight is another example of my failure to sleep. Right now it is 10:30 pm. Perhaps not too late for some but I did try to go to bed around 9. My husband is out at a movie so I thought I would have an early night. Well, as usual, I was having trouble falling asleep. Then just as I was about to fall into what I can only imagine would have been my best night's sleep ever I heard a noise. What was it? Who knows. Probably the neighbours banging around. They seem to be doing a lot of that tonight. That's not what I thought it was though. No, my very overactive imagination came up with the idea that it must be someone in the house. Of course that is silly since our doors and windows beep very loudly when opened, but it was enough to wake me up and get me out of bed. I even looked behind the shower curtains in both bathrooms. So, it looks like I will be up for a while.

I suppose since I am in update mode I should write something about the service. I have been putting off updating because I didn't know what to write. What is there to say. It was a beautiful service but I hate that we had to have it. It was ridiculous to see the little tiny hole in the ground, the little box, all the people staring at their feet. My pastors did a good job but I can't remember what they said. I remember they said our names a lot, and they prayed. There were about 25 people or so. My brother and his wife hosted lunch after and a lot of our friends brought food. It is good to have so many people supporting us but I HATE the reason for the day.

Tomorrow

2008-09-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Oliver's memorial service. I am dreading it for a two reasons. One, it is going to be extremely difficult. I'm sure it will be super emotional and draining. The other reason is harder to explain. I feel like after it is over that he will really be gone. Now, I realize he is already gone but there is something so final about a funeral. Maybe part of me feels like after this is over that I will need to get back to normal. I can't really explain what I mean. Of course I do know that normal is no longer defined in the same way it was before August 7th.

Bellies

2008-09-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

On Friday I took my daughter to the YMCA to play with other toddlers. It was fun for her to see some of her friends and run around. One thing she did was head straight for the baby that was sleeping in her car seat. She loves babies. Well, babies, dogs, cows (boos), horses (neighs), and cats (meoos). It is all very cute but I could do without the baby bit. I managed to distract her and get her back to playing.

One time a couple weeks ago she was looking at some dogs and the ladies also had babies. I had tried to keep her away but she really loves dogs. When I told the moms of her love of babies one of them said, "Maybe mommy should make you one." Wow. An innocent enough comment but she is lucky I am fairly polite. I wanted to yell at her but I knew it wasn't worth ruining her day.

Anyway, back to the toddler time. There were a couple pregnant people there and I couldn't help but to stare at their bellies. One of them had a particularly round one and I was quite jealous of it. I can't help but to contrast it with my own sad flabby belly. I think that I have actually gained weight since Oliver was born. I have been eating a lot of candy and my husband keeps buying ice cream. He is training for a marathon so he can indulge and feed his grief a little more than most. So, when I see pregnant bellies and think about how I should be 32 weeks pregnant right now I am sad that all I have is a post baby body.

Oliver's Story

2008-09-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

We lost our son, Oliver, on August 8/08 at 27 weeks exactly. He was 2 pounds 2 ounces and 13.4 inches long.

I guess to tell the story properly I have to start a couple weeks before he was born. My whole family became sick with some sort of stomach virus. First my daughter then my husband and finally myself. It started Sunday night (the 27th of July) and lasted most of the week. I was throwing up for 2 days and then just felt crappy from then on. Monday the 28th we went to the doctor to make sure we were all ok. I also wanted to know what the risks could be for me as I was pregnant. I was told to try to get liquids and some food and that I could take some gravol if needed. So, after a couple days home on the sofa it was back to work.

Later that week (Thurs) I noticed some dark brown spotting. Not much but enough that I thought I should watch things. Nothing else until Friday night then a little more. So Saturday it was off to the walk in clinic. The doctor there checked the heart beat and recommended going in to the maternity clinic. Since it was a long weekend I decided Sunday (the 3rd) morning to send my husband and daughter to church alone while I went to the hospital to get things checked out (otherwise it would have meant waiting until the clinic opened on Tuesday). I spend a couple hours at the hospital relaxing. I was hooked up to the fetal monitor for half an hour. The doctor even did an internal exam to make sure nothing was up with my cervix. The heart rate and movements were great. The doctor even said that the baby seemed really happy in there. So I was sent home.

Well, The next few days are sort of a blur. I am pretty sure I felt some kicks Tuesday morning but other than that I am not sure. I remember being super tired but since I was working, pregnant and taking care of a toddler I figured that was normal. Also I was still feeling off but I thought that was the remnants of the stomach virus. So Thursday the 7th) when I realized I couldn't remember feeling movement that day I didn't panic. When I found blood I still didn't think too much of it since Sunday everything was so great. It was off to the hospital. Thankfully my husband drove up just as I was about to leave so we went together.

When we got there the nurse tried to hook up the fetal monitor. She was having a lot of trouble finding a heart beat other than mine but assured us that this was not uncommon (though the previous Sunday they had no problem). The longer she tried the worse it was. Then the doctor (thankfully my own maternity doctor was on call that night) came and tried. We were getting nervous but I was still hopeful. I mean who really thinks this outcome is possible until they are faced with it? Well, the ultrasound was next. I was looking at the screen and about 10 seconds after it was turned on it was obvious even to me what the truth was. It was confirmed when my doctor (who was sitting right beside me) rubbed my arm and said, "This is not your fault."

After that we had to wait for confirmation from another ultrasound tech. who took about an hour to get there. Once that was over we had to decide what to do. We were given 3 options. Stay and deliver, go home and sleep on it, or have a c-section. We decided to stay and deliver. We were moved to a delivery room and the doctor induced. I was actually already dilated a bit so thankfully it was not too long of an ordeal. It was 9pm when arrived at the hospital and Oliver was born at 2:11am.

Once he was born we held him and cried and marvelled at how perfect he looked. We were at the hospital until 9am and were able to keep him with us the whole time. The hospital gave us a box with the hospital bracelets, pictures, footprints, handprints and his measurements. They also gave us a quilt. Leaving Oliver in the hands of the nurse and walking away was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Now, a month later we are just planning his burial and service. We had an autopsy done and of course it showed no reason. It did show that he had passed "earlier than we thought" though the doctor did not go into detail about what that meant. So, I have been struggling with the fact that I didn't notice earlier, and the fact that everything was so good on Sunday. But, I know I did everything I could and that having my own doctor there was such a blessing. If I had noticed earlier she wouldn't have been there.

So, that is Oliver's story. He is much loved and I miss him with every fiber of my being. As a Christian, I believe I will see him again some day but my heart aches to hold him now.

Comments

2008-09-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I was just wondering to myself whether or not to continue with my attempts at blogging. I logged in to find comments! Your comments have encouraged me to continue putting my thoughts up.

I know I haven't taken the time to put Oliver's whole story up yet. I will do that in time but today I will give an update on my job search.

I found out last week that I still qualify for maternity leave. Living in Canada is the best. I am able to get 15 weeks of EI which means I don't have to go back to work until after Christmas. I am so thankful for that. I have not found a daycare I can get excited about yet and the only one I was considering was almost $50/day. Hardly worth working when some schools only pay $150/day before taxes.

Went to the doctor last week and found out that there was no reason for Oliver's death. Not sure whether that helps or not. I had this huge fear that the report would say something about how I had done something wrong (irrational thoughts are so common right now) but thankfully that was not the case.

We had the cremation on Monday. It was so odd and wrong. To see such a little box on the huge cart. It might seem odd to attend but what else can we do as his parents? We are having a service for him next Wednesday.

Well, I think that is all for today. Thanks again for the comments.

What to Say?

2008-09-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Monday so that means I survived Sunday. It wasn't easy but it also wasn't as hard as I thought. That could be due to the fact that since it is a long weekend there were about 20 people at church. Guess that means we do it all again next week.

I am struggling with what to write about. I want to put my story out there but am putting off starting to write it. It is still so raw. Some days I manage to shove the memories somewhere partially hidden but the last few days everything has been right on the surface. The longing to still be pregnant. The thought that I "should be" thinking about how we would probably have a baby next month. Seeing friends who are expecting, or seeing babies, especially boys.

Today I went clothes shopping. I have to buy work clothes. As a teacher I was going to start my maternity leave early so that I could spend some time with my daughter before the baby was born. Plus, who wants to work when they are 7 or 8 months pregnant? Well, now I have to start from the beginning. I don't have a job, I don't have daycare, and none of my work clothes fit. Thankfully I have the type of job where I can most likely find work (substitute teaching). It made me more than a little sad shopping for clothes though. You know how after you have a baby your middle doesn't always match your legs in sizes? Well pants are hard enough at the best of times but now I have that to deal with too. Managed to find something. Enough to go on interviews anyways.

Starting...

2008-08-31T08:58:00.000-07:00

It has been 3 weeks and 2 days since we lost Oliver but who's counting? I have decided, after reading so many others, to start writing down my story.

So, where to start? I will start with today because today is going to be hard and I need to get this down. Today will be my first day back out there. Out in a place I normally feel safe - church. Not that I haven't been out but it has been to very "safe" places like the mall or the fair where my biggest concern was trying to look at my shoes rather than staring at the sea of pregnant bellies and babies. Today it will be me who is stared at... or so it seems. People staring at my now semi-flat belly with a look of concern? Sympathy? Curiosity? Most people know but what if there is someone who doesn't? Of course there will be the awkward conversations, the tears of people who I know but don't. Questions, comments, well meaning thoughts.

I guess I can't hide forever.