Emotions...

So, I wrote in my last post about my friend who was on bed rest with twins. Well, she had them this week. Thankfully everything is fine and it looks like they will be OK. They were 3 lbs and 3 lbs 5 oz. I am so happy that they are healthy and that she was able to carry them long enough to give them such a high chance of survival.

That being said, I am also struggling. I know she would really like me to go with her to see them but I am not sure I can. The smallest one is less than a pound heavier than Oliver was and I don't know how I will react to seeing a live baby of that size. I don't want to make this all about me since it isn't about me at all, but my reaction may not be a happy one. I am also feeling selfish/annoyed by my emotional reaction to some of what she is saying. Of course she talks about how they feel so empty and incomplete with the babies being at the hospital and not at home with them. Well, I feel like saying, yeah, well imagine that feeling with no hope of ever bringing the baby home! She is my best friend so I will have to explain my apparent disinterest in going to the hospital...

I have been having a lot of moments where I miss Oliver lately. There are 2 babies at church who were born when Oliver should have been and I look at them and wonder what he would look like right now, how he would act, sleep, move, everything. I miss him a lot but at the same time I am looking forward to meeting the new little one who continues to kick me nonstop.

Doctors appointments have been going well. I have weekly NSTs which can be reassuring. Yesterday the babies heart rate dropped to 100 for a second so I was hooked up to the machine for an hour to make sure it didn't happen again. Of course that makes me even more nervous about things but my kick counts are still very good so the nurses said that it was OK. I have my next DR visit on Thursday so I will mention it to her and get more reassurance...

I am starting to feel huge. Once again I have gained a lot of weight and look forward to being able to get rid of it. I don't think I will get as heavy as I did with Violet but I definitely gained more this time than I was on track to with Oliver. I will attach a photo...

Sorry it was so long between posts, I will try to do better.