Missing

I am blessed. I know I am. I have a warm, comfortable home. There is food in the fridge. I have a loving family which includes my husband and 2 beautiful daughters. Despite this, there will always be something missing. There is a big hole in my life where Oliver should have been. I have been struggling with that lately. Torn between my love and devotion to Lucy and my longing for what would have been with Oliver.

I had some friends over yesterday. One of them had a son at 28 weeks and the other had twins at 29 weeks. So I am sitting, listening to them talk about how much the babies weighed and their time in the hospital and all I can think about is Oliver. How much he weighed at 27 weeks, what he looked like, what it would have been like if they had found the infection and we were the ones spending months in the hospital with him.

I see him in my friend's daughter who had the same due date as me.

When we talk about who Lucy looks like I wonder who Oliver would look like if he were with us.

When I think about whether or not we will have another child I wonder what my motivations are and how I would feel if we had another girl.

I love my daughters. I feel so blessed to have them here with me but I still feel cheated. I want them to know their brother, I want to know their brother. I was thinking about the week he died last night and remembering what labour felt like. I thought back to when I went in for an NST a few days before he died and how everything seemed fine. I remember laying there listening to his heart and feeling him move and feeling so happy. It hit me that that time was a gift. Even though the problem was not discovered I did have that afternoon with him. Listening to him was like having a conversation with him. Not sure if that makes sense...

Better go attend to Violet...