Feeling Better

I am in a better mood today. We (Violet and I) have been keeping busy this week with shopping and visiting and cooking. I have decided to make a bunch of soup for one of my very good friends who is having a baby in November. It was fun to work in the kitchen but not fun when I saw what a mess I had made!

Running has been going well too. I went out and bought a new running shirt for the outdoors (it is very rainy and cold here in the winter). So far this week I have run 9 miles with 3 more to go on Saturday. My time was not as slow as previously posted. Tonight I ran 3 miles in 33 minutes which puts me well within the 3 hour time limit of the race I am signing up for. It feels good to run again. To let off some steam and feel like I might actually get into shape.

I have put together a photo box with some of Oliver's things. It has footprints, hand prints, and an ultrasound photo from our 19 week ultrasound. He was moving around like crazy that day! No photo of him after he was born though. We haven't shown that to anyone yet. I would like to show my parents though.

So, life goes on. 6 more weeks of maternity leave (weird that it is called that even in this circumstance) then it will be back to work. There is a lady in my townhouse complex who watches kids who will take Violet so that is cool. As much as I dread going back to work I am looking forward to it as well. I think it will be good for me to get out and talk to adults again. Baby brain has been compounded by everything and I find myself not making a lot of sense at times. My mom told me to start taking Omega 3's but I realized after taking them that they are probably a point each (Weight Watchers) and I am supposed to take 3 a day. I will have to look into that at my next WW meeting.

Time for sleep now.

The New Normal

I keep waiting for things to change. To go back to normal. I hate the new normal. I want it to go away.

This week is going to be hard. It already has been and it is only Sunday. This would have been Oliver's birth week. we were going for a planned c-section so that is usually a week or more early.

I hate feeling sad all the time. I hate feeling guilty for being sad so much. I hate feeling like I am the downer in the crowd and I worry that my friends will stop talking to me because all I do is think about and talk about Oliver and how sad I am. I was not the most bubbly person to begin with so the new me is quite solemn.

I feel like everywhere I go people either have no idea what I am going through or they know and feel sorry for me. Someone asked me why I was sad - I said, "The usual." They asked what they could do but apart from being able to go back in time there is not much that I could think of. Since time travel is not really possible (believe me I've prayed to go back) I am just going to have to learn to deal with the new me and how to live now.

Some days I feel completely normal, like before, but there is usually a moment or two during the day where it all comes back.

Well, I don't want to be depressing so I will end off with a video of the best sound in my world right now. Mu husband is making the cow puppet eat and then cough and hiccup the finger puppets back to Violet. She thought it was pretty funny.

Running

Once upon a time I was a runner. I ran the Victoria Half Marathon in October of 2005. Just over 3 years ago. I was in the best shape of my life at that time. Then a hamstring injury prevented me from running for a bit. Then I broke my arm snowboarding with my grade 7 class. Then I was pregnant with Violet. Once she came along I got back in shape (well, enough to fit into my work pants). I was back at work on February 4th of 2008 and pregnant with Oliver before the month was half over. Needless to say, my career as a distance runner ended before it began.

That brings us to the present. I find myself once again trying to loose post pregnancy pounds (4 gone, 16 to go) and once again signed up to run a half marathon - in February. I think I might be slightly crazy since the most I have run recently is 3 miles (on Sunday) and a half is 13 miles. YIKES!!! I had better get it in gear. I was just looking at the race website and there is a 3 hour time limit on the race. I have to be able to finish under 3 hours. That itself is funny to me since my last half was run in 2:15 with a hamstring injury that made it a very painful 13 miles. However, as funny as it may sound it is a goal I am scared of at the moment since my 3 miles were run in about 40 minutes which puts me at just over 13 minute miles. At that pace I would be OK except that I was almost ready to collapse after 40 minutes. I can't even begin to imagine 170 - 180 minutes. Oh well, that's what makes it a goal.

Shopping Carts

So the last few times we have gone to the grocery store I have put Violet in one of those carts with the steering wheels. She really enjoys driving us around the store. The thing about these carts is that they are made for two kids. Violet has spent a lot of her time patting the second seat and saying, "Baby." I think it is just because she wants a friend to come in there with her.

One other thing she said made me wonder a bit... My parents were in town over the weekend. We took them to the airport and then Violet was talking about the planes. Later in the day after we had done our shopping she said, "Appa, plane." I said, did Grandpa go on a plane?" Then the same for Amma and then she said, "Baby, plane." How much do they pick up at 18 - 20 months? After Everything happened with Oliver her favourite word was baby for the next couple weeks. We had talked to her about the baby a bit but she was so young. Maybe she was just talking about herself how she wants to go on a plane but it still made me wonder how much she picked up on.

Posts, Secrets, Stickers, and Thanksgiving

I noted to my husband a couple days ago that I have been posting much more regularly this last week or so. I will need to remember to post even when I am doing "well."

I was also thinking about this blog. What I am wondering is whether or not I should actually tell people about it. If you read my blog it is because you linked to it through a message board or other blog. I have told some people that I am writing it but have not given out the address. No one that I have ever spoken to face to face has read this. Now I am wondering if I should let a few people in. This one is so different from my other blog. I am wondering if letting them read this would scare them or give them insight into how I am doing or what I am thinking.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving here in Canada. My parents are here from Saskatchewan and we went to the pumpkin patch with my brother and his wife and kids. While we were there I had to laugh at my change of perspective (imagine a short cynical laugh rather than a loud "I think this is funny" laugh). There were a number of pregnant women and families with new babies. As I should be in the 2-3 week countdown right now I wanted to run up and push them over. I couldn't convince my mom or sister-in-law to help though... Anyway, perspective. One of the women who had a particularly large belly had put her bright green admission sticker on the front of her belly. My first thought was, "Show off!" In other circumstances I would have thought it cute or even copied it.

Now to thanksgiving. Do I have things to be thankful for? Of course. Am I prepared to let go of the mood I've been in this week to shout them out? Not a chance. I guess I could whisper a few of them to you though.

Things I am thankful for at this moment:
-my husband who bears my moods
-my daughter who brings so much joy (and is still sleeping right now even though it is 9am here)
-friends who listen to me go on and on and on about things
-that I don't have to go back to work until after Christmas

Valleys

I have been told by many people that grief is full of peaks and valleys. Of course this makes sense but you know sometimes you have to experience something before you believe it.

I am in a valley. Not sure if I am still on my way down or if I am sitting at the bottom but I am not clawing my way out yet that I know for sure. It started on Sunday during a church meeting we were hosting. At that meeting were dear friends of ours who have the unfortunate timing of having a due date a week and a half or so after ours would have been. We were talking about small groups and getting them started up again. The husband of the pair was talking about how he would like to host but wasn't sure if he should commit, "Because we are having a baby in 6 weeks." It hit me then, AND I'M NOT!!!! It was like a switch went off in my brain. Not that I had any delusions that we were still going to have a baby but just when I think it can't get any more real - it does. He did not say it to me and probably thought nothing of it but it set me off. That and the 2 month marker, and getting my period on the 4th.

It's just sucks so much. It's like someone tore a huge hole in my heart and I keep waiting for it to heal but it never will. This is normal now. The hole will get patched up but will never be healed completely. That is another thing that I have been told by wise people. That the grief will always be there. It will change but it won't go away. That is another thing I knew but am now starting to believe as well.

A friend asked me what has been the most difficult thing about this whole experience. Just one thing?? I told her that the hardest thing to do was to walk away from the hospital without him, to leave him behind. Living without him is the huge answer to that question but it is the feeling of emptiness that gets to me. My body is empty, my arms are empty, my heart is broken. Even though I have a great life outside of this tragedy I feel empty.

Oh, if there is anyone reading who has suggestions for sleep aids I am also still having a lot of trouble sleeping. That along with the hormones is probably adding to my downswing.

2 Months

Today is Oliver's 2 month birthday. A weird thing since he is not here. I spent the day being sad and letting Violet watch an unhealthy amount of tv. This whole situation really sucks.

I am reading a book right now that was a gift from my Mom. It is called "Safe in the Arms of God; Truth From Heaven About the Death of a Child." I will post more info about it once I get further into it. Not sure yet whether I would recommend it.

Baby Weight

Well, I have decided it is time to loose the "baby weight." This has been something of a struggle for me for a lot of reasons. The fact that I have no baby being the biggest. Of course there is always the fact that it is not even my due date yet, that I shouldn't have to be thinking about this at all at this point.

The good news is that I only have to lose about 20 pounds to get back to my goal weight. I am a lifetime member at weight watchers so that is how I will go about it this time as well. 20 should be a little easier than the 50 I had with my daughter.

I also have a goal in mind. My husband is training to run a marathon and qualify for Boston. His qualifying race is in Vegas in early December and I am going with him. I hear the shopping is fantastic so I would like to be able to do some. So that gives me 9 weeks to get it together. It also gives me something other than my loss to think about.