Valleys

I have been told by many people that grief is full of peaks and valleys. Of course this makes sense but you know sometimes you have to experience something before you believe it.

I am in a valley. Not sure if I am still on my way down or if I am sitting at the bottom but I am not clawing my way out yet that I know for sure. It started on Sunday during a church meeting we were hosting. At that meeting were dear friends of ours who have the unfortunate timing of having a due date a week and a half or so after ours would have been. We were talking about small groups and getting them started up again. The husband of the pair was talking about how he would like to host but wasn't sure if he should commit, "Because we are having a baby in 6 weeks." It hit me then, AND I'M NOT!!!! It was like a switch went off in my brain. Not that I had any delusions that we were still going to have a baby but just when I think it can't get any more real - it does. He did not say it to me and probably thought nothing of it but it set me off. That and the 2 month marker, and getting my period on the 4th.

It's just sucks so much. It's like someone tore a huge hole in my heart and I keep waiting for it to heal but it never will. This is normal now. The hole will get patched up but will never be healed completely. That is another thing that I have been told by wise people. That the grief will always be there. It will change but it won't go away. That is another thing I knew but am now starting to believe as well.

A friend asked me what has been the most difficult thing about this whole experience. Just one thing?? I told her that the hardest thing to do was to walk away from the hospital without him, to leave him behind. Living without him is the huge answer to that question but it is the feeling of emptiness that gets to me. My body is empty, my arms are empty, my heart is broken. Even though I have a great life outside of this tragedy I feel empty.

Oh, if there is anyone reading who has suggestions for sleep aids I am also still having a lot of trouble sleeping. That along with the hormones is probably adding to my downswing.