Missing

I am blessed. I know I am. I have a warm, comfortable home. There is food in the fridge. I have a loving family which includes my husband and 2 beautiful daughters. Despite this, there will always be something missing. There is a big hole in my life where Oliver should have been. I have been struggling with that lately. Torn between my love and devotion to Lucy and my longing for what would have been with Oliver.

I had some friends over yesterday. One of them had a son at 28 weeks and the other had twins at 29 weeks. So I am sitting, listening to them talk about how much the babies weighed and their time in the hospital and all I can think about is Oliver. How much he weighed at 27 weeks, what he looked like, what it would have been like if they had found the infection and we were the ones spending months in the hospital with him.

I see him in my friend's daughter who had the same due date as me.

When we talk about who Lucy looks like I wonder who Oliver would look like if he were with us.

When I think about whether or not we will have another child I wonder what my motivations are and how I would feel if we had another girl.

I love my daughters. I feel so blessed to have them here with me but I still feel cheated. I want them to know their brother, I want to know their brother. I was thinking about the week he died last night and remembering what labour felt like. I thought back to when I went in for an NST a few days before he died and how everything seemed fine. I remember laying there listening to his heart and feeling him move and feeling so happy. It hit me that that time was a gift. Even though the problem was not discovered I did have that afternoon with him. Listening to him was like having a conversation with him. Not sure if that makes sense...

Better go attend to Violet...

Our Newest Family Member

Well, it has been 2 weeks and I finally have a minute to sit and write this out.

Originally Lucy was set to be delivered by c-section on September 10th so I should still be pregnant but as I have learned, not all plans go according to how we think they will.

I had been going for weekly NSTs since 25 weeks to monitor baby and also to keep me sane. They usually went very well and the health of the baby was never in question. The last one I had was on Monday, Aug. 24. At that time I complained to the nurse that I had also been experiencing itchy hands and feet which is a symptom of a pregnancy condition I can't remember the name of. So, the lab came up to take some blood and I waited. The blood test was to check my liver function. While I waited, the NST continued. Eventually the blood work came back and the doctor came in to go over it with me. Not my regular doctor, but the Monday doctor whom I had met a couple other times b/c I always went on Mondays and sometimes had questions. Anyway, she showed me the numbers and told me that everything looked good. She also mentioned that the baby's heart rate was a little high (up around 200 for a while) but that it seemed to have calmed down. She told me that she would write a note in my file and that I would have to re-do the tests on Thursday to make sure nothing had developed.

OK, so I got home around 1 pm. We spent the afternoon and evening doing family things and didn't really think much about what the doctor had said. Around 7:30 the phone rang and surprise, it was the doctor! She told me that she had been thinking about me all afternoon and even though there was no immediate danger she didn't think I needed to be put through the stress of having to worry about what might happen. She talked to the OB that was on duty that day and the next day and they agreed that there was no reason to make me go another 2.5 weeks. She basically said that with the condition they were testing for that they would induce at 37 weeks anyways so I should just come in to the hospital in the morning and they would fit me in for my surgery! WOW, I was in shock and totally excited. The fact that a doctor I barely knew would go to that trouble for me was so touching. She even said she would try to be there to assist in the delivery even though it was not her day at the hospital.

So, then the frantic planning started. I already had a bag packed but we had to get Violet's things sorted. I did not sleep at all that night but eventually it was a reasonable time to get up. We dropped Violet off at her grandparents and headed to the hospital.

A different doctor that I don't know at all was on duty when I got there. He had another NST done which was completely normal. He was saying things that lead me to believe he might try to send me home. We were getting a little nervous but once the OB walked in everything was a go. She was very kind and talked about how she came very close to losing a child and could kind of relate and that it looked like it was "time to relieve me of my pregnancy."

Then the waiting. We got to the hospital around 8 and were told surgery would be at 3. At 1 the OR called up and informed the nurses we were a go at 2. Then one of the nurses came in and told me that my actual maternity doctor would be there to help with the surgery! They had called her to tell her what was going on and she insisted on being there. She was my doctor with Oliver as well and actually delivered him so I wanted her there too. I was touched that she would cancel all her appointments to be there for me. She came early and talked to me.

At 2:37 Lucy came screaming into the world. It was a great sound! The doctors all exclaimed how big she was (8 lbs 3 0z) for 37 weeks. I am so glad she came out early she would have been over 10 lbs! I had to stay in recovery while dad went up to the room with her. Apparently she cried the whole hour I was gone. As soon as I held her though, she stopped crying. She was hungry and wanted to nurse right away.

We were able to go home on Thursday and just missed seeing my OB who was scheduled to do the surgery. He actually came up to visit us but we had gone. He even phoned to congratulate us (he was there when Oliver was born as well).

So, the last 2 weeks we have been concentrating on getting Lucy to eat properly. She had a little trouble and I was a lot stressed out about it but as of today she is gaining and nursing properly.

Violet is loving being a big sister and has fun listing all of the things she can do that Lucy can't as well as all of the things Lucy isn't big enough for yet. Right now Lucy and I are downstairs because she shares a room with us and she had a stuffy nose which sounds horrible. I need my huby to sleep since he is home the next few days and will help with Violet. I wish I knew where the nose bulb thing was...

Anyway, we are feeling pretty blessed right now.

Slow Motion

Could the next 3 weeks go any slower? Every day feels like a year. It doesn't help that it is hot again and I am huge. I have no energy to take Violet anywhere. Some friends have convinced Violet and I to go to the lake with them on Friday and I am already trying to figure out how to get out of it...

Strange that after Oliver died I swore I would not complain the next time I was pregnant. That I would blissfully endure everything about it. Hmmm... that is not the case. I have to be careful though. I am still wondering about another one in the future and if I complain too much that will give my hubby some ammunition! Well, he reads this so now he'll know my evil plan.

Other than being a wreck physically I am doing OK. It is getting a little easier to believe we might have a happy ending this time. Well, some days I am just waiting for something bad to happen. I have started to feel a bit crampy and will mention that to the doctor tomorrow. I'm sure she will cheerfully say, "Oh, that's normal" as usual but it is one of the things on the list that you are supposed to mention. The others that are "normal" to her are dizziness, sharp shooting pains somewhere I'd rather not talk about, and headaches. My blood pressure is normal though so as long as I am not falling over or passing out I think I am OK. I guess I will see what she says tomorrow.

Sounds like I am being called, I better go.

Getting There

Including today I have 5 weeks and 2 days until my scheduled c-section.

This week that amount of time seems huge. This Saturday will be Oliver's 1 year birthday. That fact is making this week hard. Sunday I was crying because I kept thinking about how last year at this time he was still alive. I like being able to say that. Soon I won't. In fact tomorrow will be the anniversary of when I think he died. I told my husband that it feels like he is getting farther away from me. I know that is not really true since it is getting closer to the time when I will see him again, but the memories I have of him are slipping away. I just miss him.

On top of the emotional mess that I am this week I am also huge. We had a heat wave here last week which was awful and is promising to repeat itself next week (32 degrees Celsius plus 66% humidity). Add to that I have decided that now is the time to potty train Violet and you can guess how grumpy I am. :)

It will be such a relief to just see, hear, and hold this baby.

Emotions...

So, I wrote in my last post about my friend who was on bed rest with twins. Well, she had them this week. Thankfully everything is fine and it looks like they will be OK. They were 3 lbs and 3 lbs 5 oz. I am so happy that they are healthy and that she was able to carry them long enough to give them such a high chance of survival.

That being said, I am also struggling. I know she would really like me to go with her to see them but I am not sure I can. The smallest one is less than a pound heavier than Oliver was and I don't know how I will react to seeing a live baby of that size. I don't want to make this all about me since it isn't about me at all, but my reaction may not be a happy one. I am also feeling selfish/annoyed by my emotional reaction to some of what she is saying. Of course she talks about how they feel so empty and incomplete with the babies being at the hospital and not at home with them. Well, I feel like saying, yeah, well imagine that feeling with no hope of ever bringing the baby home! She is my best friend so I will have to explain my apparent disinterest in going to the hospital...

I have been having a lot of moments where I miss Oliver lately. There are 2 babies at church who were born when Oliver should have been and I look at them and wonder what he would look like right now, how he would act, sleep, move, everything. I miss him a lot but at the same time I am looking forward to meeting the new little one who continues to kick me nonstop.

Doctors appointments have been going well. I have weekly NSTs which can be reassuring. Yesterday the babies heart rate dropped to 100 for a second so I was hooked up to the machine for an hour to make sure it didn't happen again. Of course that makes me even more nervous about things but my kick counts are still very good so the nurses said that it was OK. I have my next DR visit on Thursday so I will mention it to her and get more reassurance...

I am starting to feel huge. Once again I have gained a lot of weight and look forward to being able to get rid of it. I don't think I will get as heavy as I did with Violet but I definitely gained more this time than I was on track to with Oliver. I will attach a photo...

Sorry it was so long between posts, I will try to do better.

Well, it certainly has been quite the week. Last Sunday was Mother's Day so let's start there. It was not the best day. We went to the cemetery and I tried to explain to Violet who we were visiting. That is always interesting... She thought it was a park and wanted to run around and see everything. We cleaned up Oliver's marker so at least it isn't covered in grass. There were a few new markers which made me sadder still.

After church we got rear ended on the way to lunch. Now my back is even worse than before. My chiropractor says I have some soft tissue damage. So now we have to deal with all of the insurance stuff and get the car fixed (it is still drivable).

Monday we went to visit our friends who just had a baby boy. That was OK. Not as bad as I thought but I couldn't hold him or anything.

Then, my best friend who is due 3 days before me with twins went for a routine ultrasound. It turns out her cervix is .8cm thick which is close to nothing so she is in the hospital on bed rest now. Since it is still pretty early, the hospital that deals with really early babies won't take her. The point of viability for twins is 24 weeks. She will be 23 tomorrow. So, now she waits. Apparently this is not uncommon for twins but it is much earlier than it should be. We are praying that they will stay put for at least another month or two.

To top it all off, we found out that friends of ours just had a baby boy. The part that really shook me was that he was 2 lbs 12 oz. Not much bigger than Oliver was. It made me mad. Not mad at them, it's not like they chose to have their baby that early, but mad because if Oliver had been born alive he would have had a 90% chance of surviving (since there were no health problems that lead to his death). Mad that no one knew that there was something wrong with me. Irrationally mad.

So, obviously, I am making no plans to go and visit them at this point.

After all of this drama I have become much more paranoid. Everything concerns me. It's like I have to worry about everything or nothing. I just wish I could know that everything will be fine.

Ultrasound

Here is a picture of the feet.

Profile...

The alien face. Always a classic...

Overall the ultrasound went well. The tech was nice but not overly friendly. Some of them will print off 5 or 6 pics but she was only going to do 2 at first. That's ok. I'm sure I will have more than one scan this time (usually where I live you only have 1 per pregnancy).

Busy

It has been a while since my last post. It seems that when I think of something to write about I am at work and then by the time I get home I am too tired to type. Well, here I am typing. Now to think of what I want to write about.

I have been missing Oliver a lot lately. I had a week of thinking that I really want this baby to be a boy. We are undecided about having more after this and I think if we have another girl I will be a little sad. I know I will be happy if we come home with a baby at all but it is something I think about. Plus on Easter Sunday my pastor was going on and on about death and talking about the first time he saw a person who had died (as a pastor) which got me remembering the night Oliver was born and what it was like to hold him.

At school we are learning about Revelation right now in Bible class. This week we were talking about heaven. I told my kids that I think about heaven a lot more now. I think about people I know who are there and pray that they will meet Oliver so that they can tell him about me. That might seem weird but it is true.

As far as pregnancy goes things are going OK. We are at 18 weeks now and every week it seems a little more possible that things might turn out different this time. I know that our loss week (27) will be the hardest. That also coincides with the last week of school so I don't know if I will be able to take a personal day... Actually I might be able to since the day of 27 weeks, which was the day Oliver was born last time, the grade 7s are going to the water slides all day. Not the most fun field trip at almost 7 months pregnant...

Anyway, I have been really busy at work and so very tired. I think my iron might be low. I have been doing a terrible job of keeping up with school work and I know there are a few parents that I should be in contact with about homework. I just can't seem to get it in gear. How do I make myself care more? I love my students they are so nice and we have fun but I don't care about the paperwork side of things. That has always been a weak spot for me (marking) but this year it is worse.

This has been a scattered post but it is good to write. I hope you are all doing well. Thanks for reading.

-detailed ultrasound (our first ultrasound this pregnancy) - April 21 -check back for pictures
-next doctor appointment - May 7
-OB appointment - May 26

I had a bit of a rough day today. The teacher who I took over for had her baby (a boy) over spring break so everyone is really excited. Of course I am happy that everything is good but that doesn't mean I want to see huge pictures of him every time I go into the staff room. I usually try to sit with my back to the photos.

Today she brought him in for a visit. Thankfully I had mentioned to her that I might not handle seeing her very well so she came at a time when I was teaching in a different class. Just knowing she was coming put me on edge all day. It is so hard when no one understands why I am upset. I am sure they all think I should just get over it and be happy that I am pregnant again. I just miss Oliver so much lately.

Last week I actually bought a sleeper for the newest baby. It feels weird to call the baby "new baby" as that was our nickname for Oliver so I will use newest for now. I thought that buying something might help me to feel more positive about the baby. It kinda helped but it also made me sad because I started thinking about how Oliver never got to wear anything that was bought for him and how he is missed so much.

Also, at church I was overwhelmed by how much I love Violet as I watched her run around. It struck me then how I would have had the same awe for Oliver. Of course I love him but it is different - it's not the staring at your child hardly believing they are really yours type love.

So, it has been an emotional week. Sometimes I wonder if I even have any emotions left but they are in there somewhere...

Hope you are all doing well.

Phew

We have a heartbeat. I am relieved. At least for the moment!

I had a talk with my husband about how I was feeling so paranoid. He said something that made sense to me in terms of the whole stomach virus thing. Last time the stomach virus was the first in a series of things that made it harder to tell if something was wrong with Oliver. I never really felt healthy from when I had the s.v. until after he was born. There were other factors too. Working, looking after Violet, being so tired. All things I just dealt with. Now, looking back we can see that I was not feeling right. So this time, since I have been feeling back to normal and haven't had any other weird symptoms, he was not concerned. Makes sense.

Now that we have heard the baby I am going to go out and buy maternity jeans. I wore my old ones out with Violet and with Oliver I didn't really need them. But now we are allowed to wear jeans to work so I would really like to have some. Plus the yoga pants I keep wearing on the weekends are getting a little ratty.

Well, that's the update for today.

Nerves

It has been quite the week. Violet woke up with a stomach virus last Sunday which started the roller coaster. Thankfully my husband has Monday's off so he was able to stay with her. I was on for Tuesday, and since it was report cards, band concert, and the last day of cooking 8 (yes, I teach grade 8 cooking) Wednesday grandma and grandpa sacrificed their health to help us out. As it turned out Ward got sick Tuesday night and I had to turn right around on Thursday and head home. Spent all day Thursday in bed and the bathroom. Couldn't eat on Thursday or Friday. Managed some fluids overnight but not much.

The most worry some part of this whole thing is that about a week and a half before Oliver died we all got a stomach virus. It happened in the same order too. So, now I am totally freaked out. I have pretty much convinced myself that when I go in to the doctor tomorrow there will be no heartbeat. I have never been told that the stomach virus had anything to do with what happened but I haven't really asked that question either. I guess it is time to ask.

I have started thinking about how I will tell people the bad news after tomorrow's appointment. I have even started thinking (again) that Violet is destined to be an only child (you know what I mean).

So, needless to say I have not been sleeping well and have been having even crazier dreams than ever.

Expect an update sometime soon...

Update

Well, it has been a busy couple of weeks so I have not been motivated to post. Now I am ready to let you know how things are going.

I have been back to the doctor. I asked her my questions but was told that there are no answers. The infection could have been a cause or a result of Oliver's death. As far as she knows there was no sign that I was leaking fluid (though I have heard that it can be such a small leak that no one notices). She told me that we have no more chance than anyone else of this happening again which is both reassuring and no help at all since that was true last time as well.

Basically she said I should ask the OB when I go at 20 weeks. She is going to send me to him so that he can make a plan for the second half. That may be a little awkward since he was there when Oliver was born but I also saw him with Violet so I think it will be OK. My doctor trusts his opinion the most so I will go with him.

She tried to find the heartbeat but it was hidden. Then she did an internal and realized that my uterus is tilted back. So, it's back this week to hear the heart!

Once she has found the heartbeat I am going to order a Doppler. I have also ordered an electronic kick counter which records your last 10 counts. I actually held one in my hand and thought about buying it when I was 20 weeks with Oliver so that is something that I regret not having last time. Not that if I had it I would have used it since I didn't do any manual kick counts. I really wish doctors would tell us to do those.

My close close friend is also pregnant (twins) and due 3 days before me. We have the same doctor. Our doctor informed her at her last appointment that she (the Dr) is also pregnant with twins. Her due date? THE SAME AS MINE!!! I wonder when she is going to tell me? I cried a little. I know it is selfish but I really wanted her to be there when we deliver. She has been through the worst with us and I trust her.

I also decided this week that it was time to let the cat out of the bag. Or, to be more specific, to let my stomach out of the puffy vest. I had been wearing the same vest every day to work to try to hide my belly. I always show early and this time it didn't help that I had 10 pounds left over from when I was pregnant with Oliver. So, the news is now public. At least our close friends know and my work knows. My students cheered very loudly which was touching. They have only known me a month but they do know my story.

So, that is what has been going on. I will post again after we hear the heart!!!

Why Now?

So, I went to see my maternity doctor this week, the one who delivered Oliver. I went in because I am currently 10 weeks pregnant (still a huge secret btw) and it was time to see her. Well, while we were talking she just throws out there the fact that Oliver died from an infection. WHAT??? Why am I finding out about this 6 months later? What in the world? I was totally floored. My first thought was, "So it was my fault" which gives you an idea of how hard it hit me. At my last appointment she had said there was no apparent reason but I guess something came up. As you can imagine, I was a little upset by this and had trouble remembering what I had meant to ask her. So now I have many new questions like:
-did the internal exam I had a couple days before I died have anything to do with this?
-what kind of infection?
-how are we going to prevent this from happening again?
-was it because I had a stomach virus?
-why am I only finding out about this now?

This has really taken me by surprise. I guess I had come to terms with the fact that we would never know why. Now I have taken a few steps backwards in my grieving process. Not to mention the fact I am freaked out that it will happen again.

As for the being pregnant right now, we haven't told more than a couple people so if you are reading this and you know me in the real world you are not allowed to tell anyone!!

One note about my first week back at work. On Friday the students told me that I always look like I am ready to go home. I asked if it was because I was wearing a vest?? but no. Apparently it is obvious that I would rather be somewhere else. I guess I better stop feeling so sorry for myself and get with it.

6 Months

Well, it h as been six months since Oliver was born. We went to the cemetery this morning on the way to church and of course Violet was with us. My husband asked, "When do we tell Violet?" I replied that we could talk to her about it now but that she won't remember.

So he explained to her that we were visiting her brother and that his name is Oliver. I asked her if she could say Oliver and it was so cute/sad to hear her say it.

Anyway, it was emotional but not too bad. It helped that I didn't really have to talk to anyone all day.

Tomorrow is my first day back full time. I am taking over a grade seven class. Should be interesting.

Had a very awkward conversation with a staff member on Friday when I was in subbing. Before I start I will tell you that in August when they had their first all school staff meeting what had happened with Oliver was explained to the staff and they spent time praying for us.

So when I sat down for lunch and a staff member asked, "How old are your kids now?" I didn't really know how to respond. I just stared at her for a moment and she said something about me only having one so I just talked about Violet and left it at that not wanting to get into everything. Then she said, "I thought you had another one before that." To which I replied, "No, I had one after. In August." And she said, "Oh yeah, sorry" or something like that. She really is a nice lady and I'm not sure if maybe she missed the meeting (she is in the business office of the school) or just forgot but it sure was a strange conversation.

I guess I can look forward to more of that in the next months...

Thank You!

I just found out that one of the moms who belongs to the same message board as me took this picture back around our due dates. I had to share it since it brought me to tears.

Work

I have now realized how fortunate I have been to have the last 5 months off. I am not enjoying being back at work. I haven't even started full time yet, I'm just subbing but I still don't like it.

I guess it is a good distraction and I actually get a chance to talk to adults but I miss being at home. It was nice to sleep in, to have the day with Violet, to do whatever. Now I know I am going to have to bring work home, mark papers, deal with hormonal teenagers.

Plus, no one really gets why I don't want to be there. The fact that being there is a reminder that I shouldn't be there. The fact that covering for another teacher who is going off to have a baby is not my favourite thing. I'll have to warn her that I might be emotional when she comes in with her baby...

I am extremely grateful to have a job. Especially one that I know I can do - for the most part. It's just hard.

Well, I know I can survive this. One good thing is that the teacher whom I am replacing is going to finish report cards so I won't have to do that the second week back (like I did last year when I went back in Feb. after a year with Violet).