Why Now?

So, I went to see my maternity doctor this week, the one who delivered Oliver. I went in because I am currently 10 weeks pregnant (still a huge secret btw) and it was time to see her. Well, while we were talking she just throws out there the fact that Oliver died from an infection. WHAT??? Why am I finding out about this 6 months later? What in the world? I was totally floored. My first thought was, "So it was my fault" which gives you an idea of how hard it hit me. At my last appointment she had said there was no apparent reason but I guess something came up. As you can imagine, I was a little upset by this and had trouble remembering what I had meant to ask her. So now I have many new questions like:
-did the internal exam I had a couple days before I died have anything to do with this?
-what kind of infection?
-how are we going to prevent this from happening again?
-was it because I had a stomach virus?
-why am I only finding out about this now?

This has really taken me by surprise. I guess I had come to terms with the fact that we would never know why. Now I have taken a few steps backwards in my grieving process. Not to mention the fact I am freaked out that it will happen again.

As for the being pregnant right now, we haven't told more than a couple people so if you are reading this and you know me in the real world you are not allowed to tell anyone!!

One note about my first week back at work. On Friday the students told me that I always look like I am ready to go home. I asked if it was because I was wearing a vest?? but no. Apparently it is obvious that I would rather be somewhere else. I guess I better stop feeling so sorry for myself and get with it.

6 Months

Well, it h as been six months since Oliver was born. We went to the cemetery this morning on the way to church and of course Violet was with us. My husband asked, "When do we tell Violet?" I replied that we could talk to her about it now but that she won't remember.

So he explained to her that we were visiting her brother and that his name is Oliver. I asked her if she could say Oliver and it was so cute/sad to hear her say it.

Anyway, it was emotional but not too bad. It helped that I didn't really have to talk to anyone all day.

Tomorrow is my first day back full time. I am taking over a grade seven class. Should be interesting.

Had a very awkward conversation with a staff member on Friday when I was in subbing. Before I start I will tell you that in August when they had their first all school staff meeting what had happened with Oliver was explained to the staff and they spent time praying for us.

So when I sat down for lunch and a staff member asked, "How old are your kids now?" I didn't really know how to respond. I just stared at her for a moment and she said something about me only having one so I just talked about Violet and left it at that not wanting to get into everything. Then she said, "I thought you had another one before that." To which I replied, "No, I had one after. In August." And she said, "Oh yeah, sorry" or something like that. She really is a nice lady and I'm not sure if maybe she missed the meeting (she is in the business office of the school) or just forgot but it sure was a strange conversation.

I guess I can look forward to more of that in the next months...