Confession

When I see moms with more than 3 kids I think to myself, "Showoff!"

I now think more about how my actions might affect others. I hope I was never too braggy when I was pregnant, that I didn't seem to want the whole world to look at me. I hope I wasn't too showy with my first baby. That I didn't beam too much in front of the wrong people.

How was I to know that this happens to people? That babies die, that it would happen to me? This is the kind of thing that happens to someone else. A friend of a friend. Someone you will never meet. Not to me, and two other people I know all within 6 months of each other.

So, bear with me if I want to punch or push over every pregnant person I see. If I want to poke your baby so that it will cry and you will have to deal with it. Excuse me if I glare at you for showing your baby off so proudly. Sorry if I don't jump up and down when you tell me you're pregnant. I hope you will never really understand what I am going through.

So, it's New Years' Eve. Can't say I feel much like celebrating. I will, however, toast to everyone who does understand how I feel. A toast to peace in our hearts. A toast to some sort of happiness in the next year. A toast to all of our children who are missed beyond measure.

Missing Oliver more than ever today
Jamie

Christmas Cheer

I decided today that I have had enough of Christmas. So, I took down the tree and put away all of the decorations. It's only the 27th but I was sick of looking at everything.

How was my Christmas? OK, I guess. Violet was amazing. She keeps us going for sure. Having her to watch is the cheer in our days. Of course I spent a fair amount of time missing Oliver. It snowed here a lot in the last week, like 40+ cm which is not normal for Vancouver - think rain, rain, rain. That meant we didn't make the trip to the cemetery. I was up in the air about whether or not I wanted to go until we didn't go and then I wished I had. Well, I will go this week.

We went to a few family gatherings and it just felt so wrong to not have Oliver with us or to talk about him or something. I just wanted to stop everything and scream or cry or leave. Instead I ate more food than I should have. At one gathering full of people who are related to my husband's step-mom, most of whom I will not see again for years, one lady said something about it being time to have more kids. I looked at her, and took the plunge. I told her what had happened. She said, "Sometimes things just happen for a reason," which is one of my least favourite things to hear so I replied (nicely, don't worry), "And sometimes things just happen and we never really know why."

That said, I am a person that believes there is a plan for my life. I believe I can learn something from this experience. That God can use it somehow in my life. I do not believe, however, that he planned this exact experience. I just don't know what would be a big enough life lesson for me that would make my son dying worth while. So I choose to believe in the loving God who cries with me, who feels my pain, and who has lost a son of his own.

Yikes. I don't usually go on about my faith. I don't know why, it is an important part of who I am. I guess it has been on hold lately. I dread church and don't really listen or participate. Maybe I will have to make some sort of new year's resolution in regards to that.

Well, it is almost 11:30 and I am only staying up to write this. My cough is gone so I am back to getting some sleep.

I hope that all who read this will find some peace in this season.

Coughing and the Conversation it Lead to

I'm still coughing. It really sucks. Last night I was up until 2:30 and then awake again from 4 - 5. So, it was off to the walk in clinic. Looks like I have bronchitis. Fun. Hopefully the meds will work quickly and I can get back to sleep. Right now it is 1:15 and I am up doing this.

I had an interesting visit to the walk in clinic. When I got there it was just opening so I actually beat the doctor in. When she walked in I immediately recognized her as the doctor that I saw the weekend before Oliver died. I had been having some spotting so I went to the clinic that Saturday. After she had diagnosed me and was going to give me a prescription she referred to her notes and asked, 'How far along are you?" Then, realizing that was incorrect from her notes and the date she asked,"Have you had your baby yet?" I told her that he had been stillborn just after I saw her and then she had lots of questions. She wanted to know if I had gone to the hospital after seeing her, yes. She asked if they had done an ultrasound, no, but they did monitor him. I told her that everything had seemed fine and the doctor didn't find any problems. She seemed quite interested, like she wanted to try to figure things out. At one point I told her that I didn't have any guilt or blame issues. I realized at that point that it was true. Sometimes I have the what if conversation with myself but I really don't blame myself or the doctors involved. It feels good to know that I am really there. Saying it out loud to her just cemented it.

It's Late

Well, it's 11:44 pm and our neighbours fire alarm is going off. What in the world are they doing? It often goes off for long periods of time during the day as well. Not sure if they just can't cook or... It's off now. After 4 minutes! I was actually starting to get a little nervous!

That's not why I was going to post but just thought I would share since everyone else here is asleep. I should be too but I have a cough and I had a nap this afternoon. The cough is loud and annoying and I am not tired since I had a nap. Well, that is not true. I am tired but I can't sleep because of the nap. I knew better too but I haven't been feeling well so I took a chance.

Last weekend was my husband's birthday. We went to his Grandma's for dinner. I was eating my food when all of a sudden I just started thinking about what it would have been like if Oliver was here with us. I was thinking of how he would have been sleeping in his car seat or the portable swing while we ate. I could picture where we would have stuck him and how he would look sleeping there.

Special occasions and holidays are not much fun right now. The only thing getting us through Christmas is the thought of how excited Violet is going to be. She really does brighten up our days.

Home Again...

Well, we went away last weekend and it was really nice. It was great to get away just the two of us and actually have fun together. I mean we always have fun with Violet too but well, you know parents need alone time too! That was the longest we have been away from Violet. We left Friday morning and didn't see her until Tuesday morning. My parents came in from out of town to watch her. My dad gave her junk food and let her watch TV (one of her new words is "Backyardigans"). The took her to the Santa Clause parade. It sounds like they had a great time! I am so thankful that they travelled all the way here to watch her.

Ward qualified for the Boston Marathon with a time of 3:15:44 so we are off to Boston in 2010! Something to plan for.

So, we've had a few pregnancy announcements in our life lately. Of course we are happy for our friends. One couple has been trying for a while so we are glad for them. I also got a letter from another friend and found out she is expecting in March! That is so soon. Her son was 1 in August.

Yeah, so I am a little sad about all of that. More babies. whoo. By the time most of them arrive it will be almost a year since Oliver died. I have been struggling a lot this week with why. Why? How can there be no reason? How can a perfectly healthy baby just die? Why me? I know everyone has these thoughts.

So, now we are talking about trying again. I am dreading it. The scheduling, the waiting, the disappointments. With Oliver it happened as we were deciding to start "not not trying" but it took a little longer with Violet. It's just different this time. There is so much more going on. I don't want to get stressed out but I think it is too late.

If anyone has advice or comments about trying again I would love to hear them.

More of the Same

Well, it seems that crying at church will be added to the "new normal" for a while. This Sunday was not nearly as volatile as last week but there were still tears.

We were sitting a few rows behind our friends with the newborn and I was just getting emotional thinking about how we should have Oliver with us too. Another couple was there with their baby for the first time too. Ward asked if I wanted to move and I said yes maybe but where to? It doesn't seem to matter where we sit.

We stayed this time. I had to read a passage at the end and had the pastor's Bible so there was no getting away. One of my friends joked that I should start attending a church were it is mostly senior citizens. Funny but not practical for real life.

So, the what should have or could have been was on my mind for sure.

On an up note Ward and I are off to Vegas this weekend! He is finally running his qualifying race for Boston and I am going to shop. Still about 10 pounds (or more after the week I've had) off my pre-baby me but I am going to buy a few things anyway. Like a bra that fits for one. Why does your body change so much every time you have a child?? My parents are coming into town to watch Violet so it will be a much needed holiday for us. I'll let you know how it is!

Emotional Roller Coaster

Well, it has been quite a week. Last Saturday we went to visit our friends who had a baby while I was out of town. Their due date was 1 week exactly after ours. Not sure what to expect, we dropped Violet off at her grandparents and headed over. It was not emotional at all. I held the baby and it was fine. No problem. That was Saturday...

That night after we got home and put Violet to bed we talked a little about our day. One thing that my husband said stuck with me. He said that when we were talking with them about babies and normal behaviour (they have all the first time parent type questions) he was thinking that instead of remembering what Violet was like we should have been comparing (in a good way) our two babies. He's right. We went to bed early being exhausted but our neighbours were having a housewarming party. We live in a town home so some walls are shared. It is a 4 bedroom and they don't have kids so they turned the bedroom that shares a wall with our bedroom into a video game/guitar room. Finally at 1:30 am when the guitar was added to the music and games Ward banged on the wall (just like in college!) The noise quickly stopped.

After that I did not sleep well. I had so many crazy dreams about babies and losing babies my mind never settled down. I woke up in the morning feeling like I needed to go back to bed. Since Ward runs Sunday mornings I get up when Violet does. No extra rest for anyone!

Sundays are notoriously bad for me. Maybe I am making it worse by believing that but it has been true. Even at my parents church was hard. A girl I know from high school (who is friends with me on facebook and should know better if she paid any attention at all) asked if we were going to have more kids. I looked at her and said, "You know we had one in the summer, right?" She said, "Oh, I thought I saw something on facebook about that." And then something about waiting between kids which made it sound like the whole break between Violet and number 3 was my idea... People just don't know how to react.

Anyway, back to this week. I went to church feeling tired and beat up. I followed Violet around trying to compose myself. Then My friend with the baby walked in. Violet loves her so she ran over to see her and the baby. I lost it. I cried more than I have since the first couple weeks after we lost Oliver. My friend cried to. So here we are hugging and crying on what should have been her happy day bringing her daughter to church for the first time. I am so glad that she is understanding and that she feels some of our pain too.

Needless to say, we left church early that day. We stopped at the cemetery (Violet's first visit) and then went for a family lunch.

Since then Violet and I have been to visit the baby. Violet loves her so much. She stood and stared at her most of the time. She held her hand and kissed her. When the baby opened her eyes Violet yelled, "Hello!" It was so sweet. I know it would have been a little different having a baby around the house all the time. Violet did try to poke her in the eye and was climbing all over but it was SO cute. I am including a pic of myself, Violet, and Kacia.


It felt so nice to hold the baby. I think we are ready to start trying for number 3. Part of me wants to fast forward to the end of all of the trying and waiting but I know that is not how it works. Plus I am really (mostly) enjoying the stage Violet is at right now.

Oliver's Marker

Here is a picture of Oliver's marker. I mentioned in my last post that I was not sure what I thought of it. I am not a person that does well with surprises. I need time to process things. So I think that when I saw something I wasn't expecting I kinda freaked out a bit. Now that I have had time to think it over it makes sense that the lettering is white. I am still disappointed that the hand and foot prints are enlarged from what we gave them but I am OK with it. There is nothing I can do anyway. I should have talked to the lady on the phone instead of emailing. I don't think she completely understood what I wanted. I am glad it is finished and in place.

Vacation?

Well, it has been a while since I posted. That is because I went to Saskatchewan to visit my parents. Since they don't know about my blog I decided to leave updating until I got back.

So, in the one week that I was gone 3 babies were born to people that I may or may not see. One was to one of my best friends. They had a girl, named Kacia (Kay-sha). I have talked to her since I got back and we are going to see them on Saturday. We thought it would be best to get the first awkward meeting out of the way before church. The second was a boy to one of my good friend's sisters. The third, also a boy, was to another family in my church. So, if my friend's sister all of a sudden decides to come to church with her there will be 3 newborns at church. That should be fun... Oh, did I mention that the day we found out about Kacia was the day we found out that Oliver's grave marker was put in place? Great timing.

So, I went to see Oliver's marker today. I wanted to see what it looks like. We had his hand and foot prints put on it. The thing is I'm not sure I like the way it looks. The stone is black and then the writing has white paint or something in it. I was not told about that. Plus the hand and foot prints are larger than the ones I gave them. I signed off on the design so there is nothing I can do about that but what about the colour? I will have to talk to my husband and see what he thinks of it (he went to see it while I was gone).

Weekend Update

Well, this weekend was/is the weekend of dates. Friday was our original due date (the 7th) and Saturday (the 8th) was Oliver's 3 month "birthday." At first I was not looking forward to having those two things so close together but in the end I think it was better to have one not great weekend rather than two of them.

So, how was my weekend? Surprisingly not that bad. I think I had built it up into this huge event that was going to reduce me to tears which would not have been entirely shocking. I was not in a good mood on Friday. I cried a little in the evening once Ward was home. But not the meltdown I had expected. Saturday was actually a good day all things considered. I had arranged for Violet to go to her grandparents for a sleep over so I dropped her off around lunch. I had a spa treatment booked for the afternoon (which had originally been a pregnancy massage bought for me for mother's day by my hubby). It was really great. It was a hot stone massage and I would totally recommend it to anyone thinking of going in for some pampering. After that I did a little shopping and by the time I got home Ward was also just getting home from work. We had the evening to ourselves and it was a nice treat. Of course I thought about Oliver a lot but I was glad not to be controlled by my grief.

So, now it is Sunday - my most dreaded of days. Church is usually the hardest place to go. It always makes me emotional. But, on the plus side I am home alone right now and enjoying a cup of coffee. Did I mention I was home alone? The last time I was able to wake up alone in the house was before Violet was born. Obviously I would rather be home with a sleeping or crying or hungry newborn but since that can't be the case I will take the silence.

Sorry this is kinda rambles a bit but I warned you that might happen in my blog title...

Add On

I remembered something from my visit to school yesterday that I wanted to add. While a couple students were asking me about where my baby was one other girl did something different and very sweet. She looked at me with a look of sympathy and said, "I know what happened" as she gave my arm a quick rub. From a 10/11 year old? Sometimes kids are quite mature.

Days Like This

Well, today was one of those days that I have been hoping wouldn't happen. There is a book fair going on at the school where I worked/work so I decided to go in for a visit. This is not the first time I have gone in so I was not really anticipating anything. I thought maybe I would run into a parent but that it would be fine. Not the case.

Violet and I were wandering around the school and went by the gym. Since she loves kids we went in to visit. I did not realize it was grade 5 intramurals going on. I taught grade 4 last year so these were my kids. They saw us and headed over in a swarm. That was fine (except for the fact I totally interrupted the game) until a couple students asked, "Where's your new baby?" One girl asked and I just stared at her. I didn't know what to say. Why should it be up to me to tell an 11 year old child that my baby is dead? Thankfully the teacher in charge came over to get them back on track and she told them that my baby is in heaven. She whispered to me to say that but I just couldn't answer. Not the visit I was expecting.

I am thinking of emailing my principal to let him know about what happened. I think it was harder on me than the students but when I sub there I don't want to have to do this a bunch more times. I don't know... Well, he has gone through this so I think I will just tell him so at least he knows. Whether or not there is something he can do will be up to him I guess.

On to another topic now. Sunday night I was up around 5:45 registering for my half marathon. When I went back to bed I was laying there half asleep daydreaming about Oliver. I was thinking about how he would be here with us now and I got this picture of what he would look like. It seemed to me like it was actually looking at him. I could see his pudgy face and he had a little bit of blondish hair. My husband had reddish blond hair as a baby so I think that Oliver would have had it too. Anyway, it was a good daydream even though it was sad.

Feeling Better

I am in a better mood today. We (Violet and I) have been keeping busy this week with shopping and visiting and cooking. I have decided to make a bunch of soup for one of my very good friends who is having a baby in November. It was fun to work in the kitchen but not fun when I saw what a mess I had made!

Running has been going well too. I went out and bought a new running shirt for the outdoors (it is very rainy and cold here in the winter). So far this week I have run 9 miles with 3 more to go on Saturday. My time was not as slow as previously posted. Tonight I ran 3 miles in 33 minutes which puts me well within the 3 hour time limit of the race I am signing up for. It feels good to run again. To let off some steam and feel like I might actually get into shape.

I have put together a photo box with some of Oliver's things. It has footprints, hand prints, and an ultrasound photo from our 19 week ultrasound. He was moving around like crazy that day! No photo of him after he was born though. We haven't shown that to anyone yet. I would like to show my parents though.

So, life goes on. 6 more weeks of maternity leave (weird that it is called that even in this circumstance) then it will be back to work. There is a lady in my townhouse complex who watches kids who will take Violet so that is cool. As much as I dread going back to work I am looking forward to it as well. I think it will be good for me to get out and talk to adults again. Baby brain has been compounded by everything and I find myself not making a lot of sense at times. My mom told me to start taking Omega 3's but I realized after taking them that they are probably a point each (Weight Watchers) and I am supposed to take 3 a day. I will have to look into that at my next WW meeting.

Time for sleep now.

The New Normal

I keep waiting for things to change. To go back to normal. I hate the new normal. I want it to go away.

This week is going to be hard. It already has been and it is only Sunday. This would have been Oliver's birth week. we were going for a planned c-section so that is usually a week or more early.

I hate feeling sad all the time. I hate feeling guilty for being sad so much. I hate feeling like I am the downer in the crowd and I worry that my friends will stop talking to me because all I do is think about and talk about Oliver and how sad I am. I was not the most bubbly person to begin with so the new me is quite solemn.

I feel like everywhere I go people either have no idea what I am going through or they know and feel sorry for me. Someone asked me why I was sad - I said, "The usual." They asked what they could do but apart from being able to go back in time there is not much that I could think of. Since time travel is not really possible (believe me I've prayed to go back) I am just going to have to learn to deal with the new me and how to live now.

Some days I feel completely normal, like before, but there is usually a moment or two during the day where it all comes back.

Well, I don't want to be depressing so I will end off with a video of the best sound in my world right now. Mu husband is making the cow puppet eat and then cough and hiccup the finger puppets back to Violet. She thought it was pretty funny.

Running

Once upon a time I was a runner. I ran the Victoria Half Marathon in October of 2005. Just over 3 years ago. I was in the best shape of my life at that time. Then a hamstring injury prevented me from running for a bit. Then I broke my arm snowboarding with my grade 7 class. Then I was pregnant with Violet. Once she came along I got back in shape (well, enough to fit into my work pants). I was back at work on February 4th of 2008 and pregnant with Oliver before the month was half over. Needless to say, my career as a distance runner ended before it began.

That brings us to the present. I find myself once again trying to loose post pregnancy pounds (4 gone, 16 to go) and once again signed up to run a half marathon - in February. I think I might be slightly crazy since the most I have run recently is 3 miles (on Sunday) and a half is 13 miles. YIKES!!! I had better get it in gear. I was just looking at the race website and there is a 3 hour time limit on the race. I have to be able to finish under 3 hours. That itself is funny to me since my last half was run in 2:15 with a hamstring injury that made it a very painful 13 miles. However, as funny as it may sound it is a goal I am scared of at the moment since my 3 miles were run in about 40 minutes which puts me at just over 13 minute miles. At that pace I would be OK except that I was almost ready to collapse after 40 minutes. I can't even begin to imagine 170 - 180 minutes. Oh well, that's what makes it a goal.

Shopping Carts

So the last few times we have gone to the grocery store I have put Violet in one of those carts with the steering wheels. She really enjoys driving us around the store. The thing about these carts is that they are made for two kids. Violet has spent a lot of her time patting the second seat and saying, "Baby." I think it is just because she wants a friend to come in there with her.

One other thing she said made me wonder a bit... My parents were in town over the weekend. We took them to the airport and then Violet was talking about the planes. Later in the day after we had done our shopping she said, "Appa, plane." I said, did Grandpa go on a plane?" Then the same for Amma and then she said, "Baby, plane." How much do they pick up at 18 - 20 months? After Everything happened with Oliver her favourite word was baby for the next couple weeks. We had talked to her about the baby a bit but she was so young. Maybe she was just talking about herself how she wants to go on a plane but it still made me wonder how much she picked up on.

Posts, Secrets, Stickers, and Thanksgiving

I noted to my husband a couple days ago that I have been posting much more regularly this last week or so. I will need to remember to post even when I am doing "well."

I was also thinking about this blog. What I am wondering is whether or not I should actually tell people about it. If you read my blog it is because you linked to it through a message board or other blog. I have told some people that I am writing it but have not given out the address. No one that I have ever spoken to face to face has read this. Now I am wondering if I should let a few people in. This one is so different from my other blog. I am wondering if letting them read this would scare them or give them insight into how I am doing or what I am thinking.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving here in Canada. My parents are here from Saskatchewan and we went to the pumpkin patch with my brother and his wife and kids. While we were there I had to laugh at my change of perspective (imagine a short cynical laugh rather than a loud "I think this is funny" laugh). There were a number of pregnant women and families with new babies. As I should be in the 2-3 week countdown right now I wanted to run up and push them over. I couldn't convince my mom or sister-in-law to help though... Anyway, perspective. One of the women who had a particularly large belly had put her bright green admission sticker on the front of her belly. My first thought was, "Show off!" In other circumstances I would have thought it cute or even copied it.

Now to thanksgiving. Do I have things to be thankful for? Of course. Am I prepared to let go of the mood I've been in this week to shout them out? Not a chance. I guess I could whisper a few of them to you though.

Things I am thankful for at this moment:
-my husband who bears my moods
-my daughter who brings so much joy (and is still sleeping right now even though it is 9am here)
-friends who listen to me go on and on and on about things
-that I don't have to go back to work until after Christmas

Valleys

I have been told by many people that grief is full of peaks and valleys. Of course this makes sense but you know sometimes you have to experience something before you believe it.

I am in a valley. Not sure if I am still on my way down or if I am sitting at the bottom but I am not clawing my way out yet that I know for sure. It started on Sunday during a church meeting we were hosting. At that meeting were dear friends of ours who have the unfortunate timing of having a due date a week and a half or so after ours would have been. We were talking about small groups and getting them started up again. The husband of the pair was talking about how he would like to host but wasn't sure if he should commit, "Because we are having a baby in 6 weeks." It hit me then, AND I'M NOT!!!! It was like a switch went off in my brain. Not that I had any delusions that we were still going to have a baby but just when I think it can't get any more real - it does. He did not say it to me and probably thought nothing of it but it set me off. That and the 2 month marker, and getting my period on the 4th.

It's just sucks so much. It's like someone tore a huge hole in my heart and I keep waiting for it to heal but it never will. This is normal now. The hole will get patched up but will never be healed completely. That is another thing that I have been told by wise people. That the grief will always be there. It will change but it won't go away. That is another thing I knew but am now starting to believe as well.

A friend asked me what has been the most difficult thing about this whole experience. Just one thing?? I told her that the hardest thing to do was to walk away from the hospital without him, to leave him behind. Living without him is the huge answer to that question but it is the feeling of emptiness that gets to me. My body is empty, my arms are empty, my heart is broken. Even though I have a great life outside of this tragedy I feel empty.

Oh, if there is anyone reading who has suggestions for sleep aids I am also still having a lot of trouble sleeping. That along with the hormones is probably adding to my downswing.

2 Months

Today is Oliver's 2 month birthday. A weird thing since he is not here. I spent the day being sad and letting Violet watch an unhealthy amount of tv. This whole situation really sucks.

I am reading a book right now that was a gift from my Mom. It is called "Safe in the Arms of God; Truth From Heaven About the Death of a Child." I will post more info about it once I get further into it. Not sure yet whether I would recommend it.

Baby Weight

Well, I have decided it is time to loose the "baby weight." This has been something of a struggle for me for a lot of reasons. The fact that I have no baby being the biggest. Of course there is always the fact that it is not even my due date yet, that I shouldn't have to be thinking about this at all at this point.

The good news is that I only have to lose about 20 pounds to get back to my goal weight. I am a lifetime member at weight watchers so that is how I will go about it this time as well. 20 should be a little easier than the 50 I had with my daughter.

I also have a goal in mind. My husband is training to run a marathon and qualify for Boston. His qualifying race is in Vegas in early December and I am going with him. I hear the shopping is fantastic so I would like to be able to do some. So that gives me 9 weeks to get it together. It also gives me something other than my loss to think about.

Sleep

Oh to get one good night's sleep. It seems like I wake up a little less rested each day. Since Oliver's service I have had 3 nights of restless sleep filled with dreams of babies. The dreams make no sense and I am not going to even try to write them down. I am fortunate that Violet is such an easy going child (except for the occasional "no" festival she has). At least she sleeps.

Tonight is another example of my failure to sleep. Right now it is 10:30 pm. Perhaps not too late for some but I did try to go to bed around 9. My husband is out at a movie so I thought I would have an early night. Well, as usual, I was having trouble falling asleep. Then just as I was about to fall into what I can only imagine would have been my best night's sleep ever I heard a noise. What was it? Who knows. Probably the neighbours banging around. They seem to be doing a lot of that tonight. That's not what I thought it was though. No, my very overactive imagination came up with the idea that it must be someone in the house. Of course that is silly since our doors and windows beep very loudly when opened, but it was enough to wake me up and get me out of bed. I even looked behind the shower curtains in both bathrooms. So, it looks like I will be up for a while.

I suppose since I am in update mode I should write something about the service. I have been putting off updating because I didn't know what to write. What is there to say. It was a beautiful service but I hate that we had to have it. It was ridiculous to see the little tiny hole in the ground, the little box, all the people staring at their feet. My pastors did a good job but I can't remember what they said. I remember they said our names a lot, and they prayed. There were about 25 people or so. My brother and his wife hosted lunch after and a lot of our friends brought food. It is good to have so many people supporting us but I HATE the reason for the day.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Oliver's memorial service. I am dreading it for a two reasons. One, it is going to be extremely difficult. I'm sure it will be super emotional and draining. The other reason is harder to explain. I feel like after it is over that he will really be gone. Now, I realize he is already gone but there is something so final about a funeral. Maybe part of me feels like after this is over that I will need to get back to normal. I can't really explain what I mean. Of course I do know that normal is no longer defined in the same way it was before August 7th.

Bellies

On Friday I took my daughter to the YMCA to play with other toddlers. It was fun for her to see some of her friends and run around. One thing she did was head straight for the baby that was sleeping in her car seat. She loves babies. Well, babies, dogs, cows (boos), horses (neighs), and cats (meoos). It is all very cute but I could do without the baby bit. I managed to distract her and get her back to playing.

One time a couple weeks ago she was looking at some dogs and the ladies also had babies. I had tried to keep her away but she really loves dogs. When I told the moms of her love of babies one of them said, "Maybe mommy should make you one." Wow. An innocent enough comment but she is lucky I am fairly polite. I wanted to yell at her but I knew it wasn't worth ruining her day.

Anyway, back to the toddler time. There were a couple pregnant people there and I couldn't help but to stare at their bellies. One of them had a particularly round one and I was quite jealous of it. I can't help but to contrast it with my own sad flabby belly. I think that I have actually gained weight since Oliver was born. I have been eating a lot of candy and my husband keeps buying ice cream. He is training for a marathon so he can indulge and feed his grief a little more than most. So, when I see pregnant bellies and think about how I should be 32 weeks pregnant right now I am sad that all I have is a post baby body.

Oliver's Story

We lost our son, Oliver, on August 8/08 at 27 weeks exactly. He was 2 pounds 2 ounces and 13.4 inches long.

I guess to tell the story properly I have to start a couple weeks before he was born. My whole family became sick with some sort of stomach virus. First my daughter then my husband and finally myself. It started Sunday night (the 27th of July) and lasted most of the week. I was throwing up for 2 days and then just felt crappy from then on. Monday the 28th we went to the doctor to make sure we were all ok. I also wanted to know what the risks could be for me as I was pregnant. I was told to try to get liquids and some food and that I could take some gravol if needed. So, after a couple days home on the sofa it was back to work.

Later that week (Thurs) I noticed some dark brown spotting. Not much but enough that I thought I should watch things. Nothing else until Friday night then a little more. So Saturday it was off to the walk in clinic. The doctor there checked the heart beat and recommended going in to the maternity clinic. Since it was a long weekend I decided Sunday (the 3rd) morning to send my husband and daughter to church alone while I went to the hospital to get things checked out (otherwise it would have meant waiting until the clinic opened on Tuesday). I spend a couple hours at the hospital relaxing. I was hooked up to the fetal monitor for half an hour. The doctor even did an internal exam to make sure nothing was up with my cervix. The heart rate and movements were great. The doctor even said that the baby seemed really happy in there. So I was sent home.

Well, The next few days are sort of a blur. I am pretty sure I felt some kicks Tuesday morning but other than that I am not sure. I remember being super tired but since I was working, pregnant and taking care of a toddler I figured that was normal. Also I was still feeling off but I thought that was the remnants of the stomach virus. So Thursday the 7th) when I realized I couldn't remember feeling movement that day I didn't panic. When I found blood I still didn't think too much of it since Sunday everything was so great. It was off to the hospital. Thankfully my husband drove up just as I was about to leave so we went together.

When we got there the nurse tried to hook up the fetal monitor. She was having a lot of trouble finding a heart beat other than mine but assured us that this was not uncommon (though the previous Sunday they had no problem). The longer she tried the worse it was. Then the doctor (thankfully my own maternity doctor was on call that night) came and tried. We were getting nervous but I was still hopeful. I mean who really thinks this outcome is possible until they are faced with it? Well, the ultrasound was next. I was looking at the screen and about 10 seconds after it was turned on it was obvious even to me what the truth was. It was confirmed when my doctor (who was sitting right beside me) rubbed my arm and said, "This is not your fault."

After that we had to wait for confirmation from another ultrasound tech. who took about an hour to get there. Once that was over we had to decide what to do. We were given 3 options. Stay and deliver, go home and sleep on it, or have a c-section. We decided to stay and deliver. We were moved to a delivery room and the doctor induced. I was actually already dilated a bit so thankfully it was not too long of an ordeal. It was 9pm when arrived at the hospital and Oliver was born at 2:11am.

Once he was born we held him and cried and marvelled at how perfect he looked. We were at the hospital until 9am and were able to keep him with us the whole time. The hospital gave us a box with the hospital bracelets, pictures, footprints, handprints and his measurements. They also gave us a quilt. Leaving Oliver in the hands of the nurse and walking away was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Now, a month later we are just planning his burial and service. We had an autopsy done and of course it showed no reason. It did show that he had passed "earlier than we thought" though the doctor did not go into detail about what that meant. So, I have been struggling with the fact that I didn't notice earlier, and the fact that everything was so good on Sunday. But, I know I did everything I could and that having my own doctor there was such a blessing. If I had noticed earlier she wouldn't have been there.

So, that is Oliver's story. He is much loved and I miss him with every fiber of my being. As a Christian, I believe I will see him again some day but my heart aches to hold him now.

Comments

Well, I was just wondering to myself whether or not to continue with my attempts at blogging. I logged in to find comments! Your comments have encouraged me to continue putting my thoughts up.

I know I haven't taken the time to put Oliver's whole story up yet. I will do that in time but today I will give an update on my job search.

I found out last week that I still qualify for maternity leave. Living in Canada is the best. I am able to get 15 weeks of EI which means I don't have to go back to work until after Christmas. I am so thankful for that. I have not found a daycare I can get excited about yet and the only one I was considering was almost $50/day. Hardly worth working when some schools only pay $150/day before taxes.

Went to the doctor last week and found out that there was no reason for Oliver's death. Not sure whether that helps or not. I had this huge fear that the report would say something about how I had done something wrong (irrational thoughts are so common right now) but thankfully that was not the case.

We had the cremation on Monday. It was so odd and wrong. To see such a little box on the huge cart. It might seem odd to attend but what else can we do as his parents? We are having a service for him next Wednesday.

Well, I think that is all for today. Thanks again for the comments.

What to Say?

Well, it's Monday so that means I survived Sunday. It wasn't easy but it also wasn't as hard as I thought. That could be due to the fact that since it is a long weekend there were about 20 people at church. Guess that means we do it all again next week.

I am struggling with what to write about. I want to put my story out there but am putting off starting to write it. It is still so raw. Some days I manage to shove the memories somewhere partially hidden but the last few days everything has been right on the surface. The longing to still be pregnant. The thought that I "should be" thinking about how we would probably have a baby next month. Seeing friends who are expecting, or seeing babies, especially boys.

Today I went clothes shopping. I have to buy work clothes. As a teacher I was going to start my maternity leave early so that I could spend some time with my daughter before the baby was born. Plus, who wants to work when they are 7 or 8 months pregnant? Well, now I have to start from the beginning. I don't have a job, I don't have daycare, and none of my work clothes fit. Thankfully I have the type of job where I can most likely find work (substitute teaching). It made me more than a little sad shopping for clothes though. You know how after you have a baby your middle doesn't always match your legs in sizes? Well pants are hard enough at the best of times but now I have that to deal with too. Managed to find something. Enough to go on interviews anyways.

Starting...

It has been 3 weeks and 2 days since we lost Oliver but who's counting? I have decided, after reading so many others, to start writing down my story.

So, where to start? I will start with today because today is going to be hard and I need to get this down. Today will be my first day back out there. Out in a place I normally feel safe - church. Not that I haven't been out but it has been to very "safe" places like the mall or the fair where my biggest concern was trying to look at my shoes rather than staring at the sea of pregnant bellies and babies. Today it will be me who is stared at... or so it seems. People staring at my now semi-flat belly with a look of concern? Sympathy? Curiosity? Most people know but what if there is someone who doesn't? Of course there will be the awkward conversations, the tears of people who I know but don't. Questions, comments, well meaning thoughts.

I guess I can't hide forever.