The New Normal

I keep waiting for things to change. To go back to normal. I hate the new normal. I want it to go away.

This week is going to be hard. It already has been and it is only Sunday. This would have been Oliver's birth week. we were going for a planned c-section so that is usually a week or more early.

I hate feeling sad all the time. I hate feeling guilty for being sad so much. I hate feeling like I am the downer in the crowd and I worry that my friends will stop talking to me because all I do is think about and talk about Oliver and how sad I am. I was not the most bubbly person to begin with so the new me is quite solemn.

I feel like everywhere I go people either have no idea what I am going through or they know and feel sorry for me. Someone asked me why I was sad - I said, "The usual." They asked what they could do but apart from being able to go back in time there is not much that I could think of. Since time travel is not really possible (believe me I've prayed to go back) I am just going to have to learn to deal with the new me and how to live now.

Some days I feel completely normal, like before, but there is usually a moment or two during the day where it all comes back.

Well, I don't want to be depressing so I will end off with a video of the best sound in my world right now. Mu husband is making the cow puppet eat and then cough and hiccup the finger puppets back to Violet. She thought it was pretty funny.