Confession

When I see moms with more than 3 kids I think to myself, "Showoff!"

I now think more about how my actions might affect others. I hope I was never too braggy when I was pregnant, that I didn't seem to want the whole world to look at me. I hope I wasn't too showy with my first baby. That I didn't beam too much in front of the wrong people.

How was I to know that this happens to people? That babies die, that it would happen to me? This is the kind of thing that happens to someone else. A friend of a friend. Someone you will never meet. Not to me, and two other people I know all within 6 months of each other.

So, bear with me if I want to punch or push over every pregnant person I see. If I want to poke your baby so that it will cry and you will have to deal with it. Excuse me if I glare at you for showing your baby off so proudly. Sorry if I don't jump up and down when you tell me you're pregnant. I hope you will never really understand what I am going through.

So, it's New Years' Eve. Can't say I feel much like celebrating. I will, however, toast to everyone who does understand how I feel. A toast to peace in our hearts. A toast to some sort of happiness in the next year. A toast to all of our children who are missed beyond measure.

Missing Oliver more than ever today
Jamie

Christmas Cheer

I decided today that I have had enough of Christmas. So, I took down the tree and put away all of the decorations. It's only the 27th but I was sick of looking at everything.

How was my Christmas? OK, I guess. Violet was amazing. She keeps us going for sure. Having her to watch is the cheer in our days. Of course I spent a fair amount of time missing Oliver. It snowed here a lot in the last week, like 40+ cm which is not normal for Vancouver - think rain, rain, rain. That meant we didn't make the trip to the cemetery. I was up in the air about whether or not I wanted to go until we didn't go and then I wished I had. Well, I will go this week.

We went to a few family gatherings and it just felt so wrong to not have Oliver with us or to talk about him or something. I just wanted to stop everything and scream or cry or leave. Instead I ate more food than I should have. At one gathering full of people who are related to my husband's step-mom, most of whom I will not see again for years, one lady said something about it being time to have more kids. I looked at her, and took the plunge. I told her what had happened. She said, "Sometimes things just happen for a reason," which is one of my least favourite things to hear so I replied (nicely, don't worry), "And sometimes things just happen and we never really know why."

That said, I am a person that believes there is a plan for my life. I believe I can learn something from this experience. That God can use it somehow in my life. I do not believe, however, that he planned this exact experience. I just don't know what would be a big enough life lesson for me that would make my son dying worth while. So I choose to believe in the loving God who cries with me, who feels my pain, and who has lost a son of his own.

Yikes. I don't usually go on about my faith. I don't know why, it is an important part of who I am. I guess it has been on hold lately. I dread church and don't really listen or participate. Maybe I will have to make some sort of new year's resolution in regards to that.

Well, it is almost 11:30 and I am only staying up to write this. My cough is gone so I am back to getting some sleep.

I hope that all who read this will find some peace in this season.

Coughing and the Conversation it Lead to

I'm still coughing. It really sucks. Last night I was up until 2:30 and then awake again from 4 - 5. So, it was off to the walk in clinic. Looks like I have bronchitis. Fun. Hopefully the meds will work quickly and I can get back to sleep. Right now it is 1:15 and I am up doing this.

I had an interesting visit to the walk in clinic. When I got there it was just opening so I actually beat the doctor in. When she walked in I immediately recognized her as the doctor that I saw the weekend before Oliver died. I had been having some spotting so I went to the clinic that Saturday. After she had diagnosed me and was going to give me a prescription she referred to her notes and asked, 'How far along are you?" Then, realizing that was incorrect from her notes and the date she asked,"Have you had your baby yet?" I told her that he had been stillborn just after I saw her and then she had lots of questions. She wanted to know if I had gone to the hospital after seeing her, yes. She asked if they had done an ultrasound, no, but they did monitor him. I told her that everything had seemed fine and the doctor didn't find any problems. She seemed quite interested, like she wanted to try to figure things out. At one point I told her that I didn't have any guilt or blame issues. I realized at that point that it was true. Sometimes I have the what if conversation with myself but I really don't blame myself or the doctors involved. It feels good to know that I am really there. Saying it out loud to her just cemented it.

It's Late

Well, it's 11:44 pm and our neighbours fire alarm is going off. What in the world are they doing? It often goes off for long periods of time during the day as well. Not sure if they just can't cook or... It's off now. After 4 minutes! I was actually starting to get a little nervous!

That's not why I was going to post but just thought I would share since everyone else here is asleep. I should be too but I have a cough and I had a nap this afternoon. The cough is loud and annoying and I am not tired since I had a nap. Well, that is not true. I am tired but I can't sleep because of the nap. I knew better too but I haven't been feeling well so I took a chance.

Last weekend was my husband's birthday. We went to his Grandma's for dinner. I was eating my food when all of a sudden I just started thinking about what it would have been like if Oliver was here with us. I was thinking of how he would have been sleeping in his car seat or the portable swing while we ate. I could picture where we would have stuck him and how he would look sleeping there.

Special occasions and holidays are not much fun right now. The only thing getting us through Christmas is the thought of how excited Violet is going to be. She really does brighten up our days.

Home Again...

Well, we went away last weekend and it was really nice. It was great to get away just the two of us and actually have fun together. I mean we always have fun with Violet too but well, you know parents need alone time too! That was the longest we have been away from Violet. We left Friday morning and didn't see her until Tuesday morning. My parents came in from out of town to watch her. My dad gave her junk food and let her watch TV (one of her new words is "Backyardigans"). The took her to the Santa Clause parade. It sounds like they had a great time! I am so thankful that they travelled all the way here to watch her.

Ward qualified for the Boston Marathon with a time of 3:15:44 so we are off to Boston in 2010! Something to plan for.

So, we've had a few pregnancy announcements in our life lately. Of course we are happy for our friends. One couple has been trying for a while so we are glad for them. I also got a letter from another friend and found out she is expecting in March! That is so soon. Her son was 1 in August.

Yeah, so I am a little sad about all of that. More babies. whoo. By the time most of them arrive it will be almost a year since Oliver died. I have been struggling a lot this week with why. Why? How can there be no reason? How can a perfectly healthy baby just die? Why me? I know everyone has these thoughts.

So, now we are talking about trying again. I am dreading it. The scheduling, the waiting, the disappointments. With Oliver it happened as we were deciding to start "not not trying" but it took a little longer with Violet. It's just different this time. There is so much more going on. I don't want to get stressed out but I think it is too late.

If anyone has advice or comments about trying again I would love to hear them.

More of the Same

Well, it seems that crying at church will be added to the "new normal" for a while. This Sunday was not nearly as volatile as last week but there were still tears.

We were sitting a few rows behind our friends with the newborn and I was just getting emotional thinking about how we should have Oliver with us too. Another couple was there with their baby for the first time too. Ward asked if I wanted to move and I said yes maybe but where to? It doesn't seem to matter where we sit.

We stayed this time. I had to read a passage at the end and had the pastor's Bible so there was no getting away. One of my friends joked that I should start attending a church were it is mostly senior citizens. Funny but not practical for real life.

So, the what should have or could have been was on my mind for sure.

On an up note Ward and I are off to Vegas this weekend! He is finally running his qualifying race for Boston and I am going to shop. Still about 10 pounds (or more after the week I've had) off my pre-baby me but I am going to buy a few things anyway. Like a bra that fits for one. Why does your body change so much every time you have a child?? My parents are coming into town to watch Violet so it will be a much needed holiday for us. I'll let you know how it is!