Coughing and the Conversation it Lead to

I'm still coughing. It really sucks. Last night I was up until 2:30 and then awake again from 4 - 5. So, it was off to the walk in clinic. Looks like I have bronchitis. Fun. Hopefully the meds will work quickly and I can get back to sleep. Right now it is 1:15 and I am up doing this.

I had an interesting visit to the walk in clinic. When I got there it was just opening so I actually beat the doctor in. When she walked in I immediately recognized her as the doctor that I saw the weekend before Oliver died. I had been having some spotting so I went to the clinic that Saturday. After she had diagnosed me and was going to give me a prescription she referred to her notes and asked, 'How far along are you?" Then, realizing that was incorrect from her notes and the date she asked,"Have you had your baby yet?" I told her that he had been stillborn just after I saw her and then she had lots of questions. She wanted to know if I had gone to the hospital after seeing her, yes. She asked if they had done an ultrasound, no, but they did monitor him. I told her that everything had seemed fine and the doctor didn't find any problems. She seemed quite interested, like she wanted to try to figure things out. At one point I told her that I didn't have any guilt or blame issues. I realized at that point that it was true. Sometimes I have the what if conversation with myself but I really don't blame myself or the doctors involved. It feels good to know that I am really there. Saying it out loud to her just cemented it.