I decided today that I have had enough of Christmas. So, I took down the tree and put away all of the decorations. It's only the 27th but I was sick of looking at everything.
How was my Christmas? OK, I guess. Violet was amazing. She keeps us going for sure. Having her to watch is the cheer in our days. Of course I spent a fair amount of time missing Oliver. It snowed here a lot in the last week, like 40+ cm which is not normal for Vancouver - think rain, rain, rain. That meant we didn't make the trip to the cemetery. I was up in the air about whether or not I wanted to go until we didn't go and then I wished I had. Well, I will go this week.
We went to a few family gatherings and it just felt so wrong to not have Oliver with us or to talk about him or something. I just wanted to stop everything and scream or cry or leave. Instead I ate more food than I should have. At one gathering full of people who are related to my husband's step-mom, most of whom I will not see again for years, one lady said something about it being time to have more kids. I looked at her, and took the plunge. I told her what had happened. She said, "Sometimes things just happen for a reason," which is one of my least favourite things to hear so I replied (nicely, don't worry), "And sometimes things just happen and we never really know why."
That said, I am a person that believes there is a plan for my life. I believe I can learn something from this experience. That God can use it somehow in my life. I do not believe, however, that he planned this exact experience. I just don't know what would be a big enough life lesson for me that would make my son dying worth while. So I choose to believe in the loving God who cries with me, who feels my pain, and who has lost a son of his own.
Yikes. I don't usually go on about my faith. I don't know why, it is an important part of who I am. I guess it has been on hold lately. I dread church and don't really listen or participate. Maybe I will have to make some sort of new year's resolution in regards to that.
Well, it is almost 11:30 and I am only staying up to write this. My cough is gone so I am back to getting some sleep.
I hope that all who read this will find some peace in this season.
I want to tell them
8 years ago
1 comment:
Hello. My name is Rachel, I live in Boise, Idaho. I decided to check out your blog after reading a comment you left at Glow in the Woods following a post titled "Tis the Season" about trying again. I wanted to let you know that our stories are very similar. My son Parker Geofferson was stillborn September 15, 2008 and his funeral took place September 18, 2008. In an effort to make this comment short, you can check out my blog rachelsramblings365.blogspot.com. THe first post I made, following his death, was on September 22nd.
To end, though, I would like to say that it is uplifting to find out that there are other Christian mommy's who are willing to share their personal journey through this messy stuff called grief, so thank you. It helps me realize that I'm not alone in this.
~Rachel in Idaho
rcharmon654@msn.com
(sorry I kind of rambled, hope it all makes sense)
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