Confession

When I see moms with more than 3 kids I think to myself, "Showoff!"

I now think more about how my actions might affect others. I hope I was never too braggy when I was pregnant, that I didn't seem to want the whole world to look at me. I hope I wasn't too showy with my first baby. That I didn't beam too much in front of the wrong people.

How was I to know that this happens to people? That babies die, that it would happen to me? This is the kind of thing that happens to someone else. A friend of a friend. Someone you will never meet. Not to me, and two other people I know all within 6 months of each other.

So, bear with me if I want to punch or push over every pregnant person I see. If I want to poke your baby so that it will cry and you will have to deal with it. Excuse me if I glare at you for showing your baby off so proudly. Sorry if I don't jump up and down when you tell me you're pregnant. I hope you will never really understand what I am going through.

So, it's New Years' Eve. Can't say I feel much like celebrating. I will, however, toast to everyone who does understand how I feel. A toast to peace in our hearts. A toast to some sort of happiness in the next year. A toast to all of our children who are missed beyond measure.

Missing Oliver more than ever today
Jamie